HAPPY 60TH PHIL LYNOTT, THANKS FOR JOHN SYKES

This week has been pure suffering at work, but a couple of sexagenarians (not what you think it means) swept to the rescue, with humor and face-banging rock music, respectively. The one minute clip of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler, 61, going ass-over-teakettle off the ego runway at Sturgis is pure comedy gold. And I worship the guy, but sue me cuz watching dudes frantically banana-peeling off of enormous stages IS HILARIOUS. It's just so damn poetic. I'll scream my apology at Tyler's wheelchair at the L.A. gig in a couple weeks.

Thin Lizzy and figurative 60-year old Phil Lynott get the real honors for keeping my skull from exploding, as theirs was intentional entertainment throughout 1977's Live And Dangerous. I caught the broadcast version and sweet fancy moses those guys ripped shit up. Touted as influential when a more accurate description would be plagiarized, Lizzy until recently was a blind spot for me. So it was shocking to hear so many of their songs directly imply Maiden (on "Emerald" above), Priest, and even Metallica (pretty much just arrangement-wise); there's no separation. And wow Lynott is a god on the final verse of L&D's "The Boys Are Back In Town."

WHITESNAKE HEAT, RED HOT

Like everybody, I find the newly-announced Judass Priest/Whitesnake bill kinda unusual and somewhat foul. But there's a twisted logic to the pairing, cuz Priest singer/man fan Rob Halford will seem that much more studly after a dozen of Whitesnake singer/arch bushman David Coverdale's songs about crying and summoning the strength to leave her behind and can't keep away noooo-whoaa.

Still, let it not be said that I wouldn't submit to a public horsewhipping in return for a televised duet with Monica of Slip Of The Tongue mushfest "The Deeper The Love" (above). Long skinny mics, formalwear, trading verses/harmonizing on the choruses, fists clenched to chests -- you betcha. Then we'd make babies right there on the set of Ellen.

GRAMMYS, DRAGONFORCE CAN GET FUCKED

Ugh so DragonForce has quietly gone about their business of hyper-frenetic wankcore without offending me thus far. That all changed today when I spotted singer ZP Theart doing the "shhhhh I'm here baby" pose in a recent promo shot (above). Congratulations, homos -- you're officially about as cool as other finger-to-lips jerk-offs David Hasselhoff (drunken berater of children) and fucking Rod Stewart (cheap-ass Steve Marriott). Heavens to Murgatroid. 

Anyway, thanks to alphabetical arrangement, Fag'nDorks head up yesterday's announced Best Metal Performance Grammy nominees and holy shit that's the boringest sentence ever. As retarded as the actual awards are, it's still tempting to devote a few thousand words to the excruciating Grammys broadcast (teleprompters and hilarious announcer and formalwear stuck in the 50s), but let's get this over with: 

• DragonForce "Heroes Of Our Time"
  
• Judas Priest "Nostradamus"
  
• Metallica  "My Apocalypse"
  
• Ministry "Under My Thumb"
  
• Slipknot "Psychosocial"

Shitting all over these nominations is like pilfering vicodins from my wacko pot guy: too easy. For some reason Slayer won the last two years, and that should indicate to what extent the NARAS gets Metal. If this shit meant anyfuckingthing, HooM! would endorse Slipknot, if for no other reason than that I'd rather endure a traumatic dwarfbang than hear that Metallica song again, the Priest album is a total miss, DragonForce has the appeal of a Looney Tunes marathon at 78 rpm, and the only prize deserved by Ministry's quarter-assed Stones cover (with horrific Burton C. Bell vocals) is a tumbler full of hot piss. Eat shit and die, Grammys.

Why? Why!? WHY???!!!: Midnight Tolls For Cinderella; Carmine Appice Gets 'Stomp'ed; Judass Priest Double-Penetrates Your Wallet, Patience

It's Disappointment Week here at Hipsters Out Of Metal! A quick recap of what we're coming to grips with:

*Unable to secure financial backing, HooM! forgoes Iron Maiden concert. Not just Maiden, but the Maiden we all fell in love with: The Somewhere Back In Time tour 2008 saw the band drawing almost exclusively from their middle and best era, transporting fans through time to glorious, fugly 1988. 

*Independent efforts failed Tuesday to time travel to glorious, fugly 1988, where I would've caught a Maiden show, kicked the nuts of approx. 70 classmates, placed some sports bets, and put a giant padlock on my 2008 girlfriend's hoo ha.

*Everybody hates Katherine Heigl. Bullshit! That doctor show blows, but Knocked Up knocked me up and fucked my socks off. My dream of impregnating and enslaving an E! anchor -- right there on the screen! So, lay off the dumb bitch already. Sure, she can't go five minutes without running her stupid mouth, but who can? That just means she should be our leader! 

And, alas, the Disappointment gods are generous this week:

Hair rockers Cinderella postpone their summer tour after singer/guitarist Tom Kiefer is diagnosed with "a hemorrhaging vocal cord." I'm not surprised; judging from his voice, Kiefer's been storing a live aardvark in his throat since Jersey. 

Drummer Carmen Appice is impossible not to love. He's the gay pirate Muppet in Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark At The Moon" video (above), reprising the role years later with the mighty Blue Murder. So, naturally, the ex-Vanilla Fudge (gross) drummer has combined his love of Stomp, Slipknot, and the squandering of petroleum in this new clip for NASCAR's ... whatever. 

Speaking of gay pirates, the new Judass Priest double album landed with a thud this week, to everyone's half-surprise. The silver lining is the imminent release of the band's new book, How To Ensure Your Album Fails. From the back cover:

Are you too successful? Tired of people chanting your name? Want to shed all those pesky fans? 

Famous rockers JUDASS PRIEST show you how:

1. Overprice your album. It'll be harder to enjoy.

2. Pack your album with songs. Any song.

3. Exhaust listeners with uncooperative, purely non-exhilarating concepts. Eg., the invention of the cotton gin. 

Coming soon to the Business section of your favorite bookstore.

Available In Exchange For Money: June 17 Edition

Hey I'll tell ya what -- Pat Sajak? Not half bad! He had a late night show for a while; shit didn't work out, so, head down, he just bangs out another 10 years of Wheel Of Fortune. Not exactly high art. But from here it looks like his job regularly includes having his forearms caressed by errant boobs. And to our knowledge, Sajak has never staged any public meltdowns/drunken pistol-emptyings, despite countless hours with the Vannaquin. Cheap shot alert.

Metal CDs Available In Exchange For Money: June 17

Judass Priest

Nostradamus (Sony)

'Member how Mastodon's next album is about Rasputin? That's so next year. Know what's totally 2008? Fuckin' Nostradamus, dude. Evidence points to an awesome 71st album for Priest, but what gives with the price? It's a double album, not two albums, each at regular price! It's not my fucking fault they need 42 songs to scream some bonerface's life story! It took Nas a tidy 63 minutes to tell the same story! Next, you'll tell me strippers are charging per boob.

P.S. I met Rob Halford. He was cool but his security totally Terry Ladd-ed me. 

I'd Like To Buy An 'o O O!!': Pat Sajak Solves Vanna White's Puzzle