It's Disappointment Week here at Hipsters Out Of Metal! A quick recap of what we're coming to grips with:
*Unable to secure financial backing, HooM! forgoes Iron Maiden concert. Not just Maiden, but the Maiden we all fell in love with: The Somewhere Back In Time tour 2008 saw the band drawing almost exclusively from their middle and best era, transporting fans through time to glorious, fugly 1988.
*Independent efforts failed Tuesday to time travel to glorious, fugly 1988, where I would've caught a Maiden show, kicked the nuts of approx. 70 classmates, placed some sports bets, and put a giant padlock on my 2008 girlfriend's hoo ha.
*Everybody hates Katherine Heigl. Bullshit! That doctor show blows, but Knocked Up knocked me up and fucked my socks off. My dream of impregnating and enslaving an E! anchor -- right there on the screen! So, lay off the dumb bitch already. Sure, she can't go five minutes without running her stupid mouth, but who can? That just means she should be our leader!
And, alas, the Disappointment gods are generous this week:
Hair rockers Cinderella postpone their summer tour after singer/guitarist Tom Kiefer is diagnosed with "a hemorrhaging vocal cord." I'm not surprised; judging from his voice, Kiefer's been storing a live aardvark in his throat since Jersey.
Drummer Carmen Appice is impossible not to love. He's the gay pirate Muppet in Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark At The Moon" video (above), reprising the role years later with the mighty Blue Murder. So, naturally, the ex-Vanilla Fudge (gross) drummer has combined his love of Stomp, Slipknot, and the squandering of petroleum in this new clip for NASCAR's ... whatever.
Speaking of gay pirates, the new Judass Priest double album landed with a thud this week, to everyone's half-surprise. The silver lining is the imminent release of the band's new book, How To Ensure Your Album Fails. From the back cover:
Are you too successful? Tired of people chanting your name? Want to shed all those pesky fans?
Famous rockers JUDASS PRIEST show you how:
1. Overprice your album. It'll be harder to enjoy.
2. Pack your album with songs. Any song.
3. Exhaust listeners with uncooperative, purely non-exhilarating concepts. Eg., the invention of the cotton gin.
Coming soon to the Business section of your favorite bookstore.