GREAT NOW I LIKE EUROPE

This week started off with a lapse in judgement that lead to a lunch of marked-down tamales from Ralphs. Obviously, the rest of my Monday was spent reading Decibel back issues in my surf-themed bathroom but Tuesday was no improvement. On that day came the sad realization that ugh I like a song by fucking Europe. Which is an admission equal in my family to oh say hidden hermaphroditism or plans to join Machine Head. How did it comes to this?

Well, it's stupid AOL Radio's fault. Their hair rock station rotates only one or two songs by each band, and that's great for bands like L.A. Guns who only have a pair of good songs (no not "The Ballad of Jayne"). Oddly, the exceptions are Ratt, Dokken, or Cinderella, three bands who all license like 40 songs. So this creates a situation where the listener, presumably captive at work, is fucking relieved to hear anything else. For example, "Valley of the Kings" by Blue Murder (yes!) or Europe's "Rock The Night" for which there is no excuse but hey here we are. It's one of those rock songs about rock songs and the appreciation thereof -- and it's by Europe, poof rock's most hatable white-teeth enthusiasts. That means it's as bad musically as it is lyrically, but what started as trying to place its faint resemblance to some other song (it still hasn't come to me), then morphed into toe-tapping and a couple "Whoa-oh"s. As of this week it's official I like it. And therefore I'm pretty much kicked out of my family.

I BET SHE GIVES MACHINE HEAD

White Lion - New Music - More Music Videos

My friends jokingly call Robb Flynn's post-Vio-lence band by the name Head Machine, after that weird guy in downtown Minneapolis who rocked really loud-colored suits and like quintuple espressos but whose occupation it was rumored was rocking dudes in public bathrooms. That's indicative of our esteem for Machine Head, being as they are traitors to Metal led by one of earth's foremost jockstraps. And though the inexplicably revered suckpile is leagues better than Limp B whoa I can't even type it. Sorry, anyway Flynn, Professor Faintypants, and the other two do not have the juice to refuse to play before -- not open for shut up it's not the same -- Durst & the Turdlets at Sonisphere. Now, Lamb of God on the other hand. Guitarist Willie Adler explains the Sonisphere beef:

The guys in Machine Head just didn't wanna open up for Limp B****t, and I agree with them. I wouldn't wanna open up for Limp B****t! They've been out of the scene for so long, I mean, who cares? Who cares about Limp B****t?

Fuck those dudes! Fuck that band, and fuck all the people who work for that fuckin' band!

In other news, isn't that an awesome solo in "Lil' Fighter" by White Lion (above)?

METAL ON METAL II

Man, some people just don't know how to have fun, huh? Jog over to MetalSucks and check out the ugly reaction to today's installment of 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century... So Far: awful Machine Head's terrible The Blackening at 17. And though I disagree (ahem look up there), I'm rational enough to know that this ranking is determined by a bunch of dudes, none of whom I'd douse with insults given the opportunity. Ok maybe Psychostick. But anyway, I'm not even sure the MetalSucks guys are doing anything beyond satisfying their own curiosity by asking the opinion of everyone they know who knows Metal. It's not like we have to throw away CDs that don't appear on the list. It's not like you don't have the power to start your own damn shit and put fucking Moonsorrowponds or whatever atop the list of 21 Lamest Chunks of Monkeyshit of the Last 21 Minutes sponsored by YoureADickCuzGodForbidSucksAssYouFaggot.net. People I implore you: Chill the fuck out. We're only on 16. And there are like 400 options. The list cannot be wrong. It cannot suck. It can't be bullshit. It's a vote taken in a tavern to settle an imaginary bet. Go ahead: Be surprised that non-retards like Hatebreed. Be irate that one of Robb Flynn's many rip-offs is beloved by so few. Be wowed by MY vote for #16 (above). Just be nice or they won't do 20 Best Metal Albums of the 20th Century. Sheesh.

DON'T GIVE ROBB FLYNN ANY SHIT

A few years back, I was having one of those what-does-it-all-mean crises. It must have been obvious to everyone, and soon I found an equal on this low emotional plane, a nineteen-year old co-worker who had tired of the game called You Just Started College So Let's Fuck And Barf. I enjoyed female company (attire tips, lotsa Laguna Beach) with none of the ahem demands of female company; mostly we just got down to the business of barfing about town.

Where was I going with this. Oh yeah, at 5 a.m. one Sunday she and a friend had gotten thrown out of some party; the friend had essentially pissed all over this guy in her sleep. Blondie and I laughed about it back at my place (while the friend took a shower) but I was surprised to hear that she, too, had once snuck out of a dude's place after drunkenly tinkling in dude's bed. "Almost every girl I know has done it," she explained. "It just ... happens." I was happy to hear that -- she wasn't some busted-out hag, screeching at politely turned backs for someone to buy mama a shot of rail vodka. She was pretty normal. So what's wrong with normal, hard-drinking young people today?

I should've known all along that the answer lies with Robb Flynn of Machine Head. Our relationship has been ahem crappy since I blew a backstage interview in fucking St. Paul don't ask me why. That is, I blew the interview cuz I couldn't tear myself away from this new nine-piece freak-metal band from Iowa; just don't ask me why I had an interview scheduled with a very nu-metally Flynn at the lowest point of Machine Head suckdom. Anyway, Flynn knows a thing or two about soiling himself, both figuratively and literally.