THIS WEEK WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND YOU KNOW IT

Fucking damnit I don't know who is running Earth this week, but it's probably a drunk retard cuz director John Hughes died at 59, yet Brett Ratner and Riki Rachtman walk the earth hale and healthy. And this year's Rock Gone Wild is in grave peril (Dangerous Toys and Junkyard on the same fucking day!). And meanwhile, so-called god turns a blind eye to reprehensible crab-ass urbilly beard-orgies and garbagecore fests headlined by Limp B****t and L***** ****. And now Metal Sucks is slagging Jake E. Lee, thunderaxe (above, ripping shit apart at Badlands rehearsal, RIP Ray Gillen). Fuck life.

I know I sound hysterical but goddammit it's really piling up around here: The Ozzy-Zakk thing; the Nelson-Bush-Ian's fat mouth thing; Mustaine's starting to pimp his kid out just like Deaddie Van Halen (see what I did there? State school no really!); and yeah the guy behind Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is dead. Hughes also wrote the first and third Vacation movies. And Ferris Beuller's Day Off was his too. So, yeah, basically the films that showed me how to vulgarly rage at both strangers and my family, and how easy it is to deceive those vain enough to assume positions of authority. So yeah I'll be wasted in the pool until further notice.

I BET SHE GIVES MACHINE HEAD

White Lion - New Music - More Music Videos

My friends jokingly call Robb Flynn's post-Vio-lence band by the name Head Machine, after that weird guy in downtown Minneapolis who rocked really loud-colored suits and like quintuple espressos but whose occupation it was rumored was rocking dudes in public bathrooms. That's indicative of our esteem for Machine Head, being as they are traitors to Metal led by one of earth's foremost jockstraps. And though the inexplicably revered suckpile is leagues better than Limp B whoa I can't even type it. Sorry, anyway Flynn, Professor Faintypants, and the other two do not have the juice to refuse to play before -- not open for shut up it's not the same -- Durst & the Turdlets at Sonisphere. Now, Lamb of God on the other hand. Guitarist Willie Adler explains the Sonisphere beef:

The guys in Machine Head just didn't wanna open up for Limp B****t, and I agree with them. I wouldn't wanna open up for Limp B****t! They've been out of the scene for so long, I mean, who cares? Who cares about Limp B****t?

Fuck those dudes! Fuck that band, and fuck all the people who work for that fuckin' band!

In other news, isn't that an awesome solo in "Lil' Fighter" by White Lion (above)?

GET OFF THE STAGE. LITERALLY.

That Metal Show's Download Fest special got off to a shaky start with a flatulent Def Leppard farting through the fartastic "Pour Some Sugar On May" but the next clip was kickass Tesla in Like New condition. In the judiciously edited interview footage, funnymen ruled like Steel Panther and Ripper Owens, and HooM! Horns to Lil' Joey Jordison whose Stump The Trunk question was about the fantastic Voivod Angel Rat record (above, Piggy most fluent guitarist ever?). Then TMS co-host/painfully unfunny dunce Jim Florentine started humping Tommy Lee's leg and Buck Cherry joined them for the incoherent argument segment in which apples battle oranges. Surprise not one of those fucknuggets voted for Faith No More as the best mainstage headliner (Def Lep 3 [seriously?], Slipknot 3).

While not being entertained by Florentine's weird neck and repeated mention of Lee's wang, I drifted off and thought about how fucking awful it must have felt for the members of Faith No More to play right after Limp Bizkit and Korn. I would've demanded that the stage be sectioned into little roped-off islands for each Bizkiteer from which they may not wander. And the Korn guys suspended from wires except Luzier.

SHITTY REUNION BLUES

I think we all shared the same sentiment upon the reunion of Stone Temple Pilots after those few interminable years of inactivity: Pure gratitude. Those guys need more money stat and we the listening public happily rush to empty our pockets to keep Weiland, the DeLeos, and the other guy flush with fine stemware and shiny sport jackets. Well, get your wallets out people and answer the call of more underprivileged rockers: Limp christfucking Bizkit. From a post on the band's Myspace:

Hello my dear family members. Yes, it has been a while. But a while worth the wait. It is getting very close to time to drop the bizkit on the universe. I say this with the absolute best intentions and motivation. We, Limp Bizkit, are excited about the future for us and for you. LBF is the way. LBF is for life. Let's stir some shit up my friends.

That sobering clip of LB front man Fred Durst on Tom Green's dignity-free show this summer seemed to indicate that Durst has hit the absinthe (and/or peyote, mescaline, PCP, glue) pretty hard. Which may be his first cool move. (I was backstage somewhere with him on the eve of Significant Other's release and while everybody partied, all he did was sing along to the record as it blared, intent on demonstrating his ahem skillz. Embarrassing.) At any rate, these days he doesn't exactly look poised to string a bunch of words together set to music -- not without a drool cup anyway. I'm straining for an explanation here, but it must be that the LB camp detected a faint pulse of sympathy for the new Sling Blade-esque Durst, then sprang into action to exploit the instantaneous lapse in universal animosity for all things Limp Bizkit. On the up side, Letters To Cleo also announced their reunion this week. Yeah, that's the up side.