FUCK THA MOUNTED POLICE

It's just common sense that terrorists like to travel with a lot of decorative body armor, guitars, and white make-up so I can see how Canadian border authorities would hesitate to permit bands into their country to make loud sounds. In Behemoth's case, there clearly is some sinister anti-Metal prejudice at work here and I can't be the only one who suggests retaliatory legislation from the band's home country of Poland recalling all those NHL players with unpronounceable names. Well we at HooM! and our hothead buddies will take action and just for that shit, we've got Rush's drummer and he is never again setting foot in Canada without the incursion of a billion dollar Peart tariff.

NEIL PEART IS HOTT

This awesome drummer I knew in high school used to thrill/nauseate me with his furious love of Motley Crue. Man he loved Crue. But this cat was cool 'cause he didn't let those dumbshits off the hook for bad behavior. And we're not talking drugs n' strippers bad behavior -- more like "Shout At The Devil '97" bad behavior. The only thing he loved more than Crue was Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach. He'd quip, "I'm not gay, but I think I'd blow Baz if given the chance." My reply was usually "Did you not see that infamous t-shirt? Dunno if he's into that." Weird.

On that note, if my dream of hugging an actual bear never comes true, I'd settle for a bear-hug from God of All Drummers Neil Peart, who turns 56 today. Happy birthday, Professor. 

The Colbert Report: 'Peart'ing The Red Sea

I guess there are people for whom the psychic pain of modern life's crushing shittiness is unbearable. As a grudge-bearing, mentally unstable coward, I'm actually amped for the imminent class war and the planet's transformation into a 'barren hellscape'; there are scores to settle. Watch your back, world! 

What was I talking about. Oh yeah. I was heading toward the point that watching Comedy Central's The Colbert Report is a fun way to keep tally of future vengeance kills (murderous free marketists and facism apologists and other mindless jerks). Until last night, that is, when fucking Rush stopped by for an interview/performance segment with Stephen Colbert. But it was so much more.

That this Colbert Report appearance is Rush's first on US TV in 33 years means that non-fans don't ever see these Canadian fuckers rip shit up. (I've unintentionally seen C*****y perform three times this month. Verdict: Total pussies.) So rejoice, Metal People, that tons of sheltered kids and ignorant adults popped their first full-mast ear-boners last night. I know if Neil Peart and his enormous drum kit (above) humped my unsuspecting face on a Wednesday night, there'd be crusty tissue disposal arrangements to be made.  

Why? Why!? WHY???!!! Independence Day Special Edition: Your Freedom Is Awesome!

It's gratifying for us anti-social malcontent types to see the week leading up to our nation's birthday so packed with weird-as-fuck news. I celebrate somebody intentionally having sex with this guy; I say 'fuck yeah' to this (mostly) guy giving birth to a healthy baby; my nads tingle that MLB star Alex Rodriguez's wife is fucking Lenny Kravitz while Rodriguez is fucking Madonna (for some reason) who is rumored to be awaiting her world tour's end to announce her divorce to filmmaker Guy Ritchie. Other reasons that America rules:

• Director Werner Herzog's remake of feel-bad classic Bad Lieutenant hasn't gone off the rails yet, despite today's announcement that Val Kilmer, Xzibit, and Fairuza Balk have joined the cast, lead by the awful Nicolas Cage. Which is fucked up since Abel Ferarra's very metal 1992 masterpiece starred only Harvey Keitel, Harvey Keitel's wang, a lot of face sweat, and several dozen crackpipes. 

• Rolling Stone broke their 30+ year embargo of Rush coverage with a tasty article in the awful magazine's July 10 issue written by a Rush nerd and summarized here by another Rush nerd. And reported on HooM! by yet another Rush nerd. 

• Saw sequels director Darren Lynn Bousman will release a rock opera movie starring fucking Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman, Paul Sorvino, and -- insanely -- Skinny Puppy vocalist Nivek Ogre. Rolling Stone reports that Repo! The Genetic Opera takes heavy visual influence from Skinny Puppy's "Spasmolytic" video -- and, judging from the trailer, Sin City and Sweeney Todd.