NO STONER ROCK FOR STONER

As an unfeeling cynic, I'm occasionally surprised by pangs of empathy and pity when watching those weird shows about dudes who want to be chicks, chicks who want to bang dudes who want to be chicks, and dude-chicks who want to bang themselves. Ok sorry that's a pretty unenlightened way of expressing my support and concern for the sexually confused (what a drag, really) and as it happens, I'm not immune to crises of identity either. I mean, what barely functional stoner finds no appeal in stoner rock?

Dudes have forced me to listen to all the titans of the genre, from Kyuss to Sleep, and frankly, it's a lot of blues noodling and unsatisfying, gelatinous non-structure. But now that commercial Metal sound design has taken on a laser-like precision, where drums sound like synths and are needlessly corrected by computers to an exactness undetectable to the human ear, it seems like the looseness of doom and stoner Metal -- not to mention the genres' total lack of whining about girlfriends and bro-brah strength nonsense -- is thrown into sharp relief and is downright magnetic to me. Pushing me further in the direction of baked-beyond-comprehension-core is my relatively recent mega-worship of Type O Negative, whose droning melodicism is overshadowed not even by frontman Peter Steele's self-deprecating meathead schtick or oft-exposed meat stick. Anyway, Decibel is extending a helping hand to stonerphobes like me, this time with exclusive new Gates Of Slumber song "The Bringer of War". Thanks for the pinch, Albert.

GERMAN GOVERNMENT ASSUMES CONTROL OF TYPE O NEGATIVE, MONSTER MAGNET

When I last spoke with Blaine Cartright of Athens, GA's Nashville Pussy, he detailed the band's blossoming popularity in Europe, and the band's label home, the Germany-based SPV/Steamhammer. We also touched on NP's rocky record label history, starting with regional powerhouse Amphetamine Reptile for debut Let Them Eat Pussy, a Grammy-nominated classic later re-released under the banner of Tom Zatout's Enclave. That label was killed soonafter by EMI. Shit.

NP's second record, High As Hell, was released by TVT; albums 3 - 6 were not. Said album six, this spring's From Hell To Texas, is awesome and deserves the big label treatment, if only outside of tight-ass America, a service that can be provided by the massive SPV group. Oh wait. Scratch that last part. 

SPV Schallplatten Produktion und Vertrieb GmbH in Hanover has declared itself insolvent.  The managing partner, Manfred Schütz, decided to submit an application to commence insolvency proceedings on May 25 - roughly equivalent to Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  According to government-appointed legal administrators, the management of SPV GmbH will not only carry on business operations, but also continue working in the areas of production and distribution in the usual way.

According to a statement issued, the aim is not only to secure as many jobs as possible in the long term, but also to retain the justified confidence of its customers and suppliers, built up over a period of 25 years.

According to sources, other recording companies are interested in buying SPV although no names have been mentioned.

Ok I'm not sure why the hell German language has to be so fucked-up but once you recover from that opening throat-clearing, notice how the government will work with the company to ensure its quarter-century of bringing the world late-era Motorhead and Kreator records will not be for naught. Hey how much do you suppose they want for the Dead Again masters? I've got $50. I'll throw in another $20 if Peter Steele never again assumes the above Prince via Vanilla Ice pose. 

METAL PEOPLE. MAKE 'THE NEGATIVE IONS TOUR' A REALITY IN 2010

It's right that Tool gets lots of respect. But do you what band is Tool's sorta neglected delinquent spiritual step-brother? Type O Negative. Both bands have very identifiable styles that involve repetition and droning and psychedelia. It's just that Tool is up in the brain a bit where Type O struts a bit about the crotchal regions. 

More Lincoln-Kennedy similarities: Both bands pepper their records with little vignettes between songs, sometimes just street noise and heels (Type O) or buzzing (Tool). And what about the inevitable outbursts of vitriol via indigence (Maynard, e.g. "The Pot") and bald immaturity (Peter, e.g. "I Like Goils" ad infinitum)? Spare, integral guitar players huh huh am I right. And Type O has the awesome keyboard guy who's a goddamn genius, whereas Tool's superstar on the virtuosity tip is drummer Danny Carey. It takes a big confident man to bleat 'Why?' (gang vocal: WHY?!) 'Why-ee-ya-ee-ya-ee Why doncha love me-hee? Any! Mo-ho-hoo-whoa-ho-oh?' (Peter) and it's not exactly some kinda lightweight who pulls off a real singable, rocking tune about child sexual abuse (Maynard). Best of all, both bands RULE. The final acts of Lateralus and Life Is Killing Me are like party boats to Boner Town. Where I am mayor.

Great Scott! Those fuckers totally should tour together. Think about it. It'd be the perfect exchange, the soul and the dong. This is my grail. Just imagine the backstage talk, won't you? The cerebral mystics of the higher plane opposite a buncha doorknobs from Queens? This is history in the making; seriously somebody call Scorsese or Demme holy lord. Or how about the little auteur responsible for the Twilight-themed MV featuring Type O's "Nettie" (above, dreamy). Y'know what -- let's really go for it. Get started pestering your local congressman and shit; I'll do an email campaign. I think a good way to generate a buzz is to make the subject line "Don't limp for woman's sex. Your pills are the hardest for her coital arts. FREE SAMPLES!" 

EXPOSED! HATE ETERNAL, YOUR EVOLUTIONARY SUPERIORS

A Deadly Pit At Early Hate Eternal Show, Klandathu 1997 

I'm not some toughguy so there's no apology necessary for my loving this song or even this one nor even this abomination. Each is a nice counterpoint to my Type O Negative problem*. And hey not all music has the ability to be as intense as, say, Hate Eternal's Fury And Flames, a 2008 Metal Album of the Year favorite that suggests that HE frontman Erik Rutan and crew belong to the race of mega-bugs in Starship Troopers. I hear your bowtie spinning but it's quite plausible is it not? Just visualize one of those shiny, black killing machines whaling on a quadruple kick drum set behind three bugs pummeling guitars. Each axe is in standard tuning too, but I'd estimate that with approximately six arms, they could comfortably manage 40 - 55 frets. The pictures you see of the 'guys' in the band indicate that since the movie was filmed, the bugs have mastered the ability to assume human form. I might be way off, but let's imagine that the Brain Bug captured in act III somehow got loose or took control of Doogie Howser's noggin, leading to a temporary suspension of all outlying interplanetary aggression while BB regrows his harvesting uh appendage. Next, we surmise that the members of Hate Eternal, being Metal people -- er bugs, being Metal bugs and thus of advanced intellect, objected to the regime's skull-lancing/brain-slurping policies and defected to Earth. They walk around like dudes and shit, but in the studio, they go BUG! Look on Hate Eternal and despair!

*Help me. I listened to "September Sun" like 20 times this weekend.

Y'GOTTA LUV PETER STEELE

Even the most open-minded Metal people have to clear a lot of hurdles on the path to Type O Negative fandom. Though hampered sonically by a fuzzy, bubbly, direct-to-board sound, Type O has bigger problems, all of them originating in singer-bassist Peter Steele's crotch. Whether spouting off thinly-veiled racist bullshit, warbling in sub-audible tones about nuns who want to be fisted by Jesus or something (shit, can anyone tell what "Christian Woman" is about?), or waving his schlong around in naked dude magazines, Steele drenches a formidable pop-doom-metal band's brilliant catalogue in silliness. It's not that the antics of Pete (and lil' Pete) are standing in the way of mega-stardom for the Drab Four, who peaked on the brain-rattlingly awesome Life Is Killing Me, but it sucks that dudes chuckle derisively about the bedonged frontman every time I'm trying to blab about my theory that Type O Negative is what The Beatles would've sounded like had Lennon and Harrison converted to Black Sabbathism after Hey Jude*. Forget about that shit! I'm fuckin' talking here, people! 

Anyway, recent jail time and drug rehabilitation now lend Steele some graveness, which is positive, though nobody is trying to hear his yucky born-again, pro-life shit. Our Peter is the unsmiling, pitch black-humored bonehead who is assuring you he's not gay immediately after boasting sourly about the multitudinous propositions he fields from the world's homos. Hey I just wanted to take a picture with ya, Pete. That I was wearing only a mesh thong is pure coincidence. Jeez tell the neighborhood.

*That pussy McCartney woulda been home teaching his wife the tambourine