There was a point during Monday's Jeopardy when I was like dumbfounded at the amount of creepy-ass shit going on in the show. Right off the bat, the very first contestant to be announced was leering, mouth agape, openly attempting to mentally undress the home viewing audience; just as announcer Johnny Gilbert (hotness) hits the last syllable of the boytoucher's name, he suggestively raises his eyebrows like the grossest perv to ever grow a rapist beard. Then you hear the Miley Cyrus superfan's voice and goddamn if it doesn't sound like a seventh grader's. I'm afraid to go near Sony Pictures even though this shit was taped weeks ago.
But Alex Trebek is a glory hog and wouldn't allow attention to focus on the guy who eats people's faces. So when time came to give the correct response for a botched Daily Double, he actually acted out the definition of bashful to the lone female player. My family is Italian but I'm not exaggerating when I state unequivocally that I nearly ralphed at his attempt at boyish innocence. It was like Mickey Rooney as Fallout Boy. It was like Fall Out Boy. Then, while I'm still choking back -- and back down -- my dinner, Trebek says the word Alcock followed by the completely hilariouser Alcock & Brown. Oh oh oh and then, Trebeck, just smoldering with white hot animal intensity, read a clue that referenced Warrant's "Cherry Pie" and now I hate sex.
In other creepy news, some creeps made a movie about the creepiest male relation ever, the stepdad (silver medal: uncle). Somebody in this organization has half a brain cuz, to sing a potentially mega-creepy song, they enlisted Richard Patrick and his Filter guys. And the result (here, stay for "American Cliche") is the most potent popular expression of windowless-van creepiness found outside a Dennis Lehane book or a movie by Todd Solondz (above). Great references, right? I'm like Dennis Miller in here, cha-cha. 'The fuck off me.