It's a given that I'm all about success and amazing cigars, golf clubs, snappy ties and yet it's a headline like today's that ensures HooM!'s sub-cult status, and signifies that HooM! will never have like fancy advertisements or um actual readers. I wonder if HooM! Nation is destined to perish as, thanks to totally non-deranged internet ads, everybody else 'gets ripped' in 48 hours and/or scores a naked chick via online fantasy games like a freaking Aerosmith video. And we were sitting ducks. I for one will not be left behind only because my home will be a grungy supermax as soon as I'm through murdering the fuck out of the assknobs responsible for Direct TV's evil ads. If you watched the Dodgers get stomped again Wednesday night, you know the commercial. Do these satellite wang-danglers consider it wise to drive people to their service (TV) by wrecking an awesome movie (Tommy Boy)? The sacred Fat Guy In Little Coat scene, too (so sacred I can't find a fkg pic, not above)! It must be a nice paycheck for the talent, in this case a not-convincing facsimile of 1995 David Spade, all bloated and pancaked, playing opposite the corpse of my dear sweet Chris Farley. Foul.

Actually huh the first time I said that today was upon inspection of the cover image on Joe Perry's latest hideously-titled non-Aerosmith record. Funny I don't remember authorizing Perry to use the novelty mirror I won at Okauchee Days in 1990 to adorn his record. I said the fucker could borrow it not decorate the next in his illustrious solo series that also includes ahem I've Got The Rock 'N Rolls Again and Once A Rocker, Now Having A Mid-Life Crisis. But the good news is that Have Guitar Will Travel is actually kinda great, totally unlike actual Aerosmith songs featuring Perry's um 'vocals'. Now full disclosure it was noisy at work today as I listened (I think a Jamba Juice is going in across the street! VICTORY!) and HGWT is no United States but yeah it's 1/5th as good as an Aerosmith record. Kinda like the Arrested Development knockoff that ABC is peddling which is 1/9th as good as the real thing. Listen to Half-Retard Swill Drivel here. I swear this stuff practically writes itself.

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