NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT

I understand that Slayer guitarist Kerry King feels it's necessary to wrestle attention away from at least two outlandish uber-bimbos (Ulrich, Mustaine) whose antics distract from the band's forthcoming record World Painted Blood, but his claims lately have been alternately hateful and far-fetched. Why just the other day he told somebody at Metal Hammer:

I don't know Lars that well and I haven't heard it from Lars, but apparently he's talking to somebody about maybe us, Metallica, Megadeth, I think he even threw in Anthrax and I said in this day and age, I know we had that time together, but how do you leave out Machine Head? There's better options than Anthrax and that's nothing against Anthrax, but they've just been in pieces for quite some time and that doesn't make as much sense to me.

OK wow Kerry you're kinda all over the place. First, a magical, imaginary tour with Metallica headlining over Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax? Um I guess it's possible, like say if Lars is looking to consolidate his power and exploit the ongoing Thrash Metal renaissance. Could happen. Oh but you'd have to promise Mustaine all sorts of ridiculous shit, like a coffee roaster and strategic No-Lars Zones. Anyway, then you have bewildering praise for Machine Head; that just sounds like four vicodins and a Red Bull talking. OK, he's right about the Nonthrax line-up issues, but Machine Head's best is way more depressing than Anthrax at their very worst. And I've seen both so yeah trust me. And lastly, dude, is Testament a figment of my fucking imagination? I thought we all agree that it should've been the Big Five. Fuck it. Remember that Headbanger's Ball tour with Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus in like 1989? Well, HooM! could steal that idea for Testament, Cynic, and Municipal Waste and none of you fuckers are invited.

The Human Race To Metallica: 'Stay Out Of Riverdale!'

What's louder these days?

(a) Metallica's raging noise machine for their untitled, unfinished forthcoming album

(b) the backlash to Metallica drummer/RIAA slut Lars Ulrich's anti-Napster shenanigans

(c) Ulrich's frenzied backpeddling/shameless aping of Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails' listener-direct sales thing

(d) Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett's gayness

(e) The agonized screams of Metallica frontman James Hetfield's soul

Answer: (b) by a wang hair

Some area dicklesses recently insisted that I'm "too hyard un Beshmallica." [That's how Metalli-nutsack-garglers talk after a couple mojitos.] Oh, am I? From Wired Magazine's Listening Post blog:

In May of 2000, when Lars Ulrich personally delivered a 60,000-page printout of the Napster users who were sharing Metallica, he probably never suspected that the online backlash against his band would still be running at full steam eight years later.

"Wow, [with new interactive promo site, MissionMetallica.com,] you're looking into using the Internet," wrote [Wired reader] Lewis Salem. "Good for you, Lars. When you got up and demonized Shawn Fanning, you made a complete ass of yourself. How pompous." 

[Wired reader] Danijel followed ... with "Stay off the internet, Napster-killing pieces of shit hypocrites."

And to loosely paraphrase the other bajillion comments: "I am going to illegally download the new album, burn nine copies, and throw them down a well. Eat shit, Lars, you dingleberry."

You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, those Wired nerds wouldn't buy Metallica shit anyway." Way to go, Captain Sherlock. That's the point: Though Metallica's diehard fanbase has been whittled down to seven, it's toxic that they'll be gaining no new customers listeners. Haw haw!  

Metallica: On The Cutting Edge

Metallica used to be metal. Now they're full-fledged retards. It started back in the 90s, when the quartet had an abrupt reversal of course, which included make-up, tuneless warbling, and horrible songwriting and also happened to coincide with metal's hiatus as a commercially viable genre. And their lovability levels skyrocketed when their drummer was allowed to speak publicly. Dude thought he was so powerful and revered that he could single-handedly make it uncool to refuse to pay for Metallica's shitty post-...And Justice For All output. Then there's the rehab, the documentary, and the conspicuous return to metal. And now, from missionmetallica.com:

Misson: Metallica is your inside look at the past two years of riffing, writing, and recording ... proof that we've actually been doing shit most of the time! We're gonna open the floodgates and share with you photos, videos, riffs, and a whole lot more.

But you say the forthcoming album -- which doesn't have a street date yet -- is your only interest. Well, you will not believe what LarsCorp has in store for you! Your financial participation of $25 gets you a download of the album; $33 gets you a download and a hard CD; $125 gets you a vinyl box set, a lithograph, a download, and a hard CD. Oh, all options include Mission: Metallica Platinum Experience membership. Those details might be inaccurate, but reading that shit was boring and fuck you if you care. Apparently, the 'mission' is to empty your wallet into Lars' gaping maw. A Dennis Miller bit springs to mind:

"It's like these cheap clothing stores who're always having 2-for-1 sales. Let me tell you something, folks: Two of shit ... is SHIT! If they really wanna fuck you, they'll give you three of these things."

And why would I want to 'experience' the new 'Metallica' before it's 'done'? I tried that with an omelet once and three months later I settled litigation with the fine people at JCPenny's of Brookfield.