Metallica: On The Cutting Edge

Metallica used to be metal. Now they're full-fledged retards. It started back in the 90s, when the quartet had an abrupt reversal of course, which included make-up, tuneless warbling, and horrible songwriting and also happened to coincide with metal's hiatus as a commercially viable genre. And their lovability levels skyrocketed when their drummer was allowed to speak publicly. Dude thought he was so powerful and revered that he could single-handedly make it uncool to refuse to pay for Metallica's shitty post-...And Justice For All output. Then there's the rehab, the documentary, and the conspicuous return to metal. And now, from missionmetallica.com:

Misson: Metallica is your inside look at the past two years of riffing, writing, and recording ... proof that we've actually been doing shit most of the time! We're gonna open the floodgates and share with you photos, videos, riffs, and a whole lot more.

But you say the forthcoming album -- which doesn't have a street date yet -- is your only interest. Well, you will not believe what LarsCorp has in store for you! Your financial participation of $25 gets you a download of the album; $33 gets you a download and a hard CD; $125 gets you a vinyl box set, a lithograph, a download, and a hard CD. Oh, all options include Mission: Metallica Platinum Experience membership. Those details might be inaccurate, but reading that shit was boring and fuck you if you care. Apparently, the 'mission' is to empty your wallet into Lars' gaping maw. A Dennis Miller bit springs to mind:

"It's like these cheap clothing stores who're always having 2-for-1 sales. Let me tell you something, folks: Two of shit ... is SHIT! If they really wanna fuck you, they'll give you three of these things."

And why would I want to 'experience' the new 'Metallica' before it's 'done'? I tried that with an omelet once and three months later I settled litigation with the fine people at JCPenny's of Brookfield.

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