WWHD?

Most of the time I think Sammy Hagar is a goddamn bimbo but 100 days of the year, his lucky dumbshit routine is either tolerable or endearing. Those are the 100 days I listen to awesome Hagar tripe like 5150 (with ultra-populist Hagar classic "Hot Summer Nights," above), OU812, and at least one solo Hagar song not involving Eddie VH. Hagar deserves way more credit on HooM! especially since "Cabo Wabo" (the song, not the tequila, resort, barbeque sauce, restaurant, cruise ship, or clothing brand) is like my national anthem.

Vote on YOUR national anthem below uh and to the right. That's what Hagar would do.

AXL, YOU'VE GOT TA GIVE ... TO LIVE.

No matter how shitty you find Chinese Democracy (I give it 3 out of 5 turds), it simply must be better than Chickenfoot's debut record. If a Hagar-Anthony-Satriani-Smith project is in any way superior to uh well anything, the world would change shape. And I'd go skittering of the edge of the oval earth. This national shame is a lesson that Best Buy can indeed break a shitty record if so inclined. GNR's display was the size of two stacked suitcases; meanwhile, that wrinkly claw peace sign is wrapped around even the store's security detector thingys. Sammy's pearlies plastered everywhere. Man I did an aboutface right fucking out the door.

The positive thing is that as a result Van Halen is officially challenged to top Dickinbutt. I'm sure Lord David Lee recognizes this, but Eddie's energy is committed to Van Halen bassist FattyDingDongs, to his new wife !shudder!, and to tangling with Nike's legal armada. A company can't openly enslave 10-year olds for three decades without super lawyers, Ed. Get to the studio, rummy.

YOU SPELLED FORESEE WRONG

Like you, I am upset and perplexed by this strange modern world, where the Pistons can't beat the Cavs and isolated losers and celebrity perverts illuminate for each other the profound banality of existence using a website whose name I'm certain is Australian slang for some unspeakably foul and hilarious sex act. But anyway, I can cope with that shit with drugs but yet to exist is a narcotic potent enough to blot from my memory this godless, tumorous endeavor we call Chickenfoot. Great god the stench! From Blabbermouth:

Chickenfoot, the new rock supergroup comprised of drummer Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers), bassist Michael Anthony (ex-Van Halen), guitarist Joe Satriani and vocalist Sammy Hagar (ex-Van Halen), has issued the following update:

"Beyond our expectations, the nine road-test shows sold out all tickets in record time. The band was blown away by your response and can't wait to take the show on the road!

"Please remember that all shows require photo ID to enter the venue, so we advise you to NOT buy tickets from online ticket brokers.

"Chickenfoot will be back in August and September to play a major North American tour. Due to the size of the venues for these shows, we do not forsee any issues with pre-sale availability."

Wow look at those two screaming ex-Van Halens up there. That shit is loud. Ok my attorneys always encourage me to sidestep oncoming freak-outs by finding the bright side of hideous, soul-mangling super-disasters like a rock band featuring The Red Rocker, beardless Michael Anthony (I know! What the fuck!), the least essential member of earth's most deceptively shitty frat band, and the public relations nightmare Satch. And it's called CHICKENFOOT. More like Dickinbutt. 

Oh yeah sorry -- something positive K I got it: The band is thwarting ticket resellers by requiring photo ID to match the ticket order. Otherwise, some fatass in his pajamas could be ordering up tickets in Bumfuck, Tennessee before selling them at a profit to TicketsNow or whatever, who in turn sell them at a profit to honest but s.o.l. concertgoers. Well at least that's what this piteous jackass told me a bunch of times. 

LOUD? THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD FOR THE DAY!

Fwwwaahhhhh it's good to be back among polite society. If you've been paying attention, HooM! has been on HiatuS! since last week. As a kid, it majorly pissed me off when Cheers ran clip shows for three weeks so Carla could shit out a hairy, Dio-looking baby. But hey don't get pissed; who could anticipate that my preparations for the World Baseball Classic, for which I'm among the representatives of the Italian team, would disrupt my after-hours enterprise of swearing about Metal. Sorry. They begged me. 

Anyway, yeah you're surprised that Italy has a team at the WBC, but shit who hits shit with bats more often than Italians? Right men for the job, if you ask me. Unlike the crew on Sammy Hagar's awful new tune "Loud," with which the Red Rocker aims for the whole summertime love in the good ol' days Kid Rock doodly-doodle-I-won't-demean-myself-and-look-up-the-title-of-that-song thing. But the truly odious element of all this is the presence of overqualified help like Cult guitarist Billy Duffy (nobody's buying the hair, dude) and Cult/Guns/Velvet Retarder drummer Matt Sorum. 

Ha just kidding. Those guys aren't overqualified. Maybe the hot sauce guy. 

UNDER THE BOTTOM

I'm only mostly ashamed to admit that as a founding member of a Sylvester Stallone society -- OK fine the only Sylvester Stallone society, namely the Society for the Appreciation of Sylvester Stallone (S.A.S.S.) -- I've watched and discussed a Stallone masterpiece on a weekly basis for months. It's no secret that Stallone is godawful, but did you know that each of his films is exactly the same? Oh but it's true. At open, Stallone is a disenchanted loser, crushed by society's betrayal. Then, he's drawn into some web of deceit, the solution to which only he can determine. If only you philistines would listen to him. But no, you just don't understand, and so it's silently that Stallone carries his Christlike burden until he saves your ungrateful asses at the end of the movie. Credits. 

And then there's the homoeroticism. I swear Stallone is either gay or extremely immature. Apparently somebody agrees with me, somebody who effortlessly put together this re-cut trailer to arm-/wang-wrestling epic Over The Top (above, via Film Drunk) to cast Stallone's trucker Lincoln Hawk as a child rapist. It's hilarious, but those of us who've seen/been haunted by Over The Top will tell you it doesn't even require crafty remixing to play as a disturbing pedophile fantasy. Not with a central character who grapples sweatily with other men at trucker hangouts while his prissy son looks on. Not with lines like "Why doncha slide over and see if you can work the equipment?" And especially not with the closing credits song sung by Sammy Hagar (below). Hagar and Stallone should 'work together' more often. Down at the gym or at a highway rest stop, perhaps. 

RIGHT NOW SAMMY IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU

Man alive I try my best to like Sammy Hagar for who and what he is (a brain-dead fun boy with some gag-inducing but awesome songs) but between his pseudo-Jimmy Buffet businesses and big fat mouth ... shit it's hard work. He's still flapping his lip about that Sans Halen tour! With almost no prompting. When was that even, pre-Bin Laden? The world has moved on, Sammers. Seems like the classy thing to do would be enjoy your wealth and success with your trap firmly shut. Nope! Hold on to your hats; there's some major half-assed reasoning ahead. From an interview with Imhotep, Hagar sounds off

On the Sammy Hagar/David Lee Roth Sans Halen co-headline tour:
Dave is not an easy guy to get along with. I like him. I just feel he is still trying to be the same guy he was in 1984 and he's not. No matter what you heard from the press or what he said, I'm telling you right now he bombed every fucking night. He didn't sell any t-shirts. He was so embarrassed that he would sell 100 shirts and I would sell 7,000, and it was completely obvious that the fans were walking way going, 'Man, what the fuck was that?' You can make people cheer any way you want, but will they come back and see you? Dave tried to get back on tour and it was a disaster because he ruined everything.

On Velvet Revolver's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction performance:
I don't think it was very good and I really like those guys. It was unfair to take a young band like that, that had only been together for one album and try and make them try to be Van Halen. I like those guys a lot, they are really good friends. But for Slash to try and play Eddie's stuff was wrong. They should have had Steve Vai or Joe Satriani, or somebody like that to play the part. They should have had a legend induct and put together a great bunch of players who are more adapted to Van Halen to do the tribute."

On the 'new' Van Halen with Wolfgang Van Halen on bass:
I think that Eddie wasn't thinking clear. The whole thing about Eddie is that he should take Wolfie and produce a record for him, so he and Alex [Van Halen] could play on the record and they could get a young singer that is like Wolfie, and let him start his own band. I mean, The Beatles didn't get Julian to replace John Lennon when he died.

On you:
You're cool but I tell ya your friends like me, Sammy, better. Last time we all hung out, you really disappointed them by ordering the ranch-parmesan wings. After you left, I felt bad for you for all the grumbling that went on. Seriously I respect you, dude, but what you should do is head down to Cabo and parrrty with the Red Rocker. It wouldn't kill you to wear some tight yellow clothing either.