No matter how shitty you find Chinese Democracy (I give it 3 out of 5 turds), it simply must be better than Chickenfoot's debut record. If a Hagar-Anthony-Satriani-Smith project is in any way superior to uh well anything, the world would change shape. And I'd go skittering of the edge of the oval earth. This national shame is a lesson that Best Buy can indeed break a shitty record if so inclined. GNR's display was the size of two stacked suitcases; meanwhile, that wrinkly claw peace sign is wrapped around even the store's security detector thingys. Sammy's pearlies plastered everywhere. Man I did an aboutface right fucking out the door.

The positive thing is that as a result Van Halen is officially challenged to top Dickinbutt. I'm sure Lord David Lee recognizes this, but Eddie's energy is committed to Van Halen bassist FattyDingDongs, to his new wife !shudder!, and to tangling with Nike's legal armada. A company can't openly enslave 10-year olds for three decades without super lawyers, Ed. Get to the studio, rummy.

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