THEN IT'S SETTLED. SLASH IS A FUCKING RETARD.

At HooM! we glory in beating up on dim-witted alcoholic phonies, and Slash has been their leader since his remarkably ill-conceived statements concerning now-convicted Rose 'N Roses leaker Kevin "Skewrl" Cogill. Let's not waste any more space outlining the HooM! stance on Slash, but shit the supervillain Cogill himself points out yet another dimension of lunatic hypocrisy to the once-great guitarist's suck-ass attitude. To MTV News:

A friend of mine conducted an interview with Slash last year in which he called me a thief and wished that I 'rot in jail.' I found that surprisingly crass, especially considering the guy has made no bones about shoplifting cassette tapes with the same rationale as today's downloaders. So if he wants to see me in jail, I'll see him in the cafeteria.

See, Cogill could've gone even further. Everything about Slash's shitty book and former image and band (above, it was so easy) was about reckless danger and drugs. Now the narc is talking like some cranky dad. I guess that's fine, but then he should hereby be banned from music. Narc-ass dads aren't welcome in rock. Go start a fancy t-shirt line. Shoo.

FUCK SLASH

Oh great god the horror. As if that Chris Cornell shit weren't enough to break my boner. Check out this combination of horrifying words, from Slash's myspace:

"Week after next, I'm going into the studio to start recording [my solo album]. I've made a ton of headway getting some killer songs written with some very profound individuals over the last couple of months. Next week, I'm going to do some guitar work for an instrumental version of Led Zeppelin's 'Kashmir', performed by Escala, an all-girl string quartet from the U.K."

Slash's wife, Perla Hudson, told Rockerrazzi last fall that the albums special guests will include Ozzy Osbourne and pop/R&B singer, rapper and actress Fergie (a.k.a. Stacy Ann Ferguson).

Wow good thing they included Fergie's full name. That shit is vital. And uh are you fucking serious? a string quartet version of "Kashimir" f/Slash? And they say Axl is the fucked up one.

RIGHT NOW SAMMY IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU

Man alive I try my best to like Sammy Hagar for who and what he is (a brain-dead fun boy with some gag-inducing but awesome songs) but between his pseudo-Jimmy Buffet businesses and big fat mouth ... shit it's hard work. He's still flapping his lip about that Sans Halen tour! With almost no prompting. When was that even, pre-Bin Laden? The world has moved on, Sammers. Seems like the classy thing to do would be enjoy your wealth and success with your trap firmly shut. Nope! Hold on to your hats; there's some major half-assed reasoning ahead. From an interview with Imhotep, Hagar sounds off

On the Sammy Hagar/David Lee Roth Sans Halen co-headline tour:
Dave is not an easy guy to get along with. I like him. I just feel he is still trying to be the same guy he was in 1984 and he's not. No matter what you heard from the press or what he said, I'm telling you right now he bombed every fucking night. He didn't sell any t-shirts. He was so embarrassed that he would sell 100 shirts and I would sell 7,000, and it was completely obvious that the fans were walking way going, 'Man, what the fuck was that?' You can make people cheer any way you want, but will they come back and see you? Dave tried to get back on tour and it was a disaster because he ruined everything.

On Velvet Revolver's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction performance:
I don't think it was very good and I really like those guys. It was unfair to take a young band like that, that had only been together for one album and try and make them try to be Van Halen. I like those guys a lot, they are really good friends. But for Slash to try and play Eddie's stuff was wrong. They should have had Steve Vai or Joe Satriani, or somebody like that to play the part. They should have had a legend induct and put together a great bunch of players who are more adapted to Van Halen to do the tribute."

On the 'new' Van Halen with Wolfgang Van Halen on bass:
I think that Eddie wasn't thinking clear. The whole thing about Eddie is that he should take Wolfie and produce a record for him, so he and Alex [Van Halen] could play on the record and they could get a young singer that is like Wolfie, and let him start his own band. I mean, The Beatles didn't get Julian to replace John Lennon when he died.

On you:
You're cool but I tell ya your friends like me, Sammy, better. Last time we all hung out, you really disappointed them by ordering the ranch-parmesan wings. After you left, I felt bad for you for all the grumbling that went on. Seriously I respect you, dude, but what you should do is head down to Cabo and parrrty with the Red Rocker. It wouldn't kill you to wear some tight yellow clothing either.

STEVEN ADLER IS LIVING MY DREAM

Former Guns 'N Roses drummer Steven Adler is in a piteous state, a fact known to the world thanks to VH1's awful shamefest Celebrity Rehab. A gibbering, speech-slurring Adler makes quite an impression, even on a show whose standard of normalcy is represented by batshit insane Gary Busey. I feel for Adler this week as he's haunted by the finally to-be-released Chinese Democracy LP by his old band and the bummer news that Slash, his partner in crime since high school, has selected the detestable Matt Sorum to handle drum duties for the guitarist's solo debut. It's a stretch to think Adler was even being considered to play on anything, but still: Ouch. From Rolling Stone:

Steven Adler, who was the most cringe-worthy addict on Celebrity Rehab last night: sobbing about how his friendship with Slash has deteriorated to the point where the guitarist didn’t ring him up to drum on his upcoming solo LP, sucking down bong hits while proclaiming his desire to die, declaring his admiration for Jeff Conaway (whose leather jacket and curled hair made him look like a zombie Kenickie).

See, there's a lesson in there somewhere. Avoid crack and heroin, and functioning as a drug-gobbling lunatic isn't so bad. That is, until the hugest regret in your life grows teeth and bites your dick off. Then you're upset, an emotion not helped by intoxicants as any college girl can tell you around 1am on a Thursday.

COGENT LEGAL ANALYSIS FROM SLASH, GUITARIST

Blogger Kevin Cogill seemed a bit daft streaming unreleased Rose 'N Roses songs on his damn blog for all to see. And while it's entirely possible Cogill is a dumbshit, we at HooM! hold out for an ace up his sleeve, a decisive piece of exonerating evidence gone unreported by big media or perhaps the revelation that Cogill is Axl Rose in disguise. (The latter may sound far-fetched but, shit, Axl Rose is Axl Rose in disguise.) That said, the judge, jury, and executioner known as Slash carefully weighed the facts and handed down his verdict last week. Los Angeles Times, which is doing awesome these days, reports:

"I hope he rots in jail," said the former Guns N' Roses lead guitarist. "It's going to affect the sales of the record, and it's not fair. The Internet is what it is, and you have to deal with it accordingly, but I think if someone goes and steals something, it's theft."

Uh, yes, Slash, if 'someone goes and steals something,' that in fact constitutes 'theft.' Brilliant insight, champ. Never mind that Cogill hasn't been accused of stealing, but merely streaming (synonymous with 'distributing'?) unreleased songs which no one has proven were stolen. Slash's statement is, first and foremost, noxious and unconvincing Axl ass-kissery; second, it illustrates a confluence perpetrated by the RIAA (and intellectual property controllers en masse) in which possession equals piracy, reporting equals distribution, all of which equates to criminality. 

An additional hilarious facet: HooM! HQ is abuzz with debate about the language of this case, specifically the word 'theft.' In piracy cases, the burden is on the plaintiffs to prove demonstrable damage to their product, an impossible feat since there is no fucking product yet*. That hasn't stopped taxpayer-funded agencies from making arrests, setting in motion a case hinging on theft, a more cut-and-dried offense. Oh that's the other funny part: You're bankrolling the RIAA's crusade against the fucking pulse-stopping epidemic of guys named Kevin momentarily playing rock songs for other internet jockeys.

*In the LA Times piece, assistant US Attourney Craig Missakian insists that 'in reality, there is significant damage.' Um ... prove it?