UNDER THE BOTTOM

I'm only mostly ashamed to admit that as a founding member of a Sylvester Stallone society -- OK fine the only Sylvester Stallone society, namely the Society for the Appreciation of Sylvester Stallone (S.A.S.S.) -- I've watched and discussed a Stallone masterpiece on a weekly basis for months. It's no secret that Stallone is godawful, but did you know that each of his films is exactly the same? Oh but it's true. At open, Stallone is a disenchanted loser, crushed by society's betrayal. Then, he's drawn into some web of deceit, the solution to which only he can determine. If only you philistines would listen to him. But no, you just don't understand, and so it's silently that Stallone carries his Christlike burden until he saves your ungrateful asses at the end of the movie. Credits. 

And then there's the homoeroticism. I swear Stallone is either gay or extremely immature. Apparently somebody agrees with me, somebody who effortlessly put together this re-cut trailer to arm-/wang-wrestling epic Over The Top (above, via Film Drunk) to cast Stallone's trucker Lincoln Hawk as a child rapist. It's hilarious, but those of us who've seen/been haunted by Over The Top will tell you it doesn't even require crafty remixing to play as a disturbing pedophile fantasy. Not with a central character who grapples sweatily with other men at trucker hangouts while his prissy son looks on. Not with lines like "Why doncha slide over and see if you can work the equipment?" And especially not with the closing credits song sung by Sammy Hagar (below). Hagar and Stallone should 'work together' more often. Down at the gym or at a highway rest stop, perhaps.