GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING YANKEES

My therapists and attorneys tell me that the first step on the road to contentment is honesty. So alright I admit it: I like Damn Yankees. Mostly, I like DYank frontman Jack Blades, pop songwriting assassin/total nancy. They're all major lamewads, not least of all Tommy Shaw (S'Dicks) and Ted Nugent (draft dodger, racist, selective amnesiac, moron).  And though Damn Yankees was marketed as a hard rock supergroup, they're about as heavy as Toto, but with measurably better hair. 

But don't front, Metal people: "High Enough" is beautiful garbage and "Coming of Age," the real culprit of my latent Damn Yankeesism, loops in my head for entire weeks every year thanks to daily mentions of Japan's young, nubile 20-year old girls and their January rite-of-passage ceremonies. And I'll be goddamned if DY don't absolutely rip live, here on non-single/radio favorite "Come Again" (at 1:29 above, nice fucking shorts, Shaw). Sorry about that Toto remark. Nuge looks high.

BUCKCHERRY'S GOOF JUICE IN YOUR HAIRY BINGLE-BANGLE

I got all veined up about Terrific Ted Nugent the other day and forgot to mention that his music is not totally worthless; nay, I fell head-over-heels for the Nuge's "Paralyzed" on Dee Snider's House of Hair. Pretty self-righteous tune, but it's 2008 and we'll take it. But let it be written: only one 12-step confrontational, carpe diem-themed song per album, please. That shit is toxic even in small quantities; ever hear Ratt's 1999 album? It's a syrupy, mid-tempo affair, but A&R beardo John Kalodner saves the reactivated Ratt's comeback album by enlisting a shitload of hired tunesmiths. They probably had to ask Steven Tyler's permission for Steve Dudas ("Just Push Play"), Mark Hudson ("Livin' On The Edge")* and Marti Friederickson ("Beyond Beautiful," "Attitude Adjustment")**; somehow there's still budget for Jack Blades*** and Jack Russell. But with bimbo singer Stephen Pearcy off lyric duties, sexy single entendres are replaced with catch phrases ripped straight from AA meetings and Gatorade commercials. It's "don't give up" this and "you're better than that" that and "live life to the fullest" blah blah boner ball bags.

Still, Ratt is a listenable record, no thanks to Ratt. But its crimes are not easily forgiven; hair rock bands must not function as greeting cards. And thus, it's nice to see LA's Buckcherry out there, as eminently suspicious that band is. I mean, how can any true blue boobs booze 'n barf band shift that many units in 2008? Oh that's right, it's because they're dumb as shit and rock about as hard as Weezer. But will they pull a Ratt, and sanitize their lyrics at Bayfest in Alabama? From Blabbermouth:

Buckcherry is contractually obligated to perform a profanity-free set, which could be a problem for the raunchy rock act. Guitarist Keith Nelson told AL.com: "We take the same show everywhere...we are what we are," while singer Josh Todd told The Pulse of Radio that he believes a rock concert is not supposed to be a wholesome experience. "We like to just go out there, host the party, have a blast, get everybody enjoying their lives and celebrating, you know, their existence, and that's what going to a rock show was when I was coming up," he said. "That's why I got into this, because it's a lot of fun, you know. You go there, you drink too much, you hook up with a total stranger and, you know, you talk about it for the rest of your life. That's the kind of experience we want to give to people."

*Uncle of Kate Hudson; fired from Disney's mismanagement-plagued Hollywood Records behind accusations of sexual harassment 

**The singing voice of Jeff Bebe (Jason Lee) in Almost Famous starring Kate Hudson

***Nugent's meal ticket in Damn Yankees

I DON'T GET TED NUGENT

It's 2008 and everybody's well aware that Ted Nugent is a dingleberry, but what about the music behind the man? Sure, Ted has always been er colorful but can anyone fill me in on the rest? Let's see ... how about the big one, "Cat Scratch Fever"? Jock bullshit! That shit shoulda been called "Can't Catch Beaver" or possibly "Fat, Stretched Weener."* And what's the real long wanky tune? the total chore of a song that finds the pathologically anti-drug Nuge (or is he duh-duh-duuuhhh) shaaaamelessly pandering to stoners? Ah yes, "Stranglehold"; we've met on many a night. It actually gets worse from there, what with gems like ahem "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" and "Free For All" to the so, so very hilarious WangChungcore classic "Little Miss Dangerous" (above) and on into the 90s when he got political with "Kiss My Ass" and "Thighraceous." Ok that's not very political. And Ted, champ, I don't think you grasp the term gonzo. 

I'm not trying to beat up on the guy, but c'mon he's the worst part of fuckin Damn Yankees! Which also includes fucking Tommy Shaw (woman) and Jack Blades (of Night Ranger)! Was he dating a toilet cleaner in Gary, Indiana? Partying with the 12th man on the Clippers? Is this thing on?  

*"Shat Mad Peanuts"? 

Ted Nugent Is A Fuckstick

It's a heavy annoying news day, but congrats to Ted Nugent! He's more annoying than the rumored birth of Angelina Jolie's twins in France (le barf), Thom Yorke's claiming ownership of footage of any human singing a Radiohead song (bonerface), and Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler's foot checking into drug rehab (my feet are blazed 24/7). Wow!

Alas, The Most Annoying News Award goes to Terrible Ted. Oh, what's that? His nickname is no longer 'Terrible' Ted? Because of the denotations of the word 'terror'? He's 'Uncle Ted' now? I guess that's a fitting moniker for a racist who occasionally purchases teenaged girls. Nuuuge! A new press release states:

Whether he's unleashing a firestorm of guitar licks* or speaking his mind politically and socially like no one else**, Ted Nugent has never held anything back -- and those two sides of Ted come together potently on his new song, the unflinchingly*** titled "I Am The NRA."

Adds Ted: "...If not for the formation and growth of this fundamental grassroots organization, individual American citizens would no longer have that U.S. constitutionally guaranteed God-given right to keep and bear arms. Thank God for the NRA."

So... If Ted is the NRA, and Thank God for the NRA, then Thank God for Ted? Man, God's a dickhole. 

   *not to mix metaphors

 **few could be as sub-moronic

***titles can't flinch