BUCKCHERRY'S GOOF JUICE IN YOUR HAIRY BINGLE-BANGLE

I got all veined up about Terrific Ted Nugent the other day and forgot to mention that his music is not totally worthless; nay, I fell head-over-heels for the Nuge's "Paralyzed" on Dee Snider's House of Hair. Pretty self-righteous tune, but it's 2008 and we'll take it. But let it be written: only one 12-step confrontational, carpe diem-themed song per album, please. That shit is toxic even in small quantities; ever hear Ratt's 1999 album? It's a syrupy, mid-tempo affair, but A&R beardo John Kalodner saves the reactivated Ratt's comeback album by enlisting a shitload of hired tunesmiths. They probably had to ask Steven Tyler's permission for Steve Dudas ("Just Push Play"), Mark Hudson ("Livin' On The Edge")* and Marti Friederickson ("Beyond Beautiful," "Attitude Adjustment")**; somehow there's still budget for Jack Blades*** and Jack Russell. But with bimbo singer Stephen Pearcy off lyric duties, sexy single entendres are replaced with catch phrases ripped straight from AA meetings and Gatorade commercials. It's "don't give up" this and "you're better than that" that and "live life to the fullest" blah blah boner ball bags.

Still, Ratt is a listenable record, no thanks to Ratt. But its crimes are not easily forgiven; hair rock bands must not function as greeting cards. And thus, it's nice to see LA's Buckcherry out there, as eminently suspicious that band is. I mean, how can any true blue boobs booze 'n barf band shift that many units in 2008? Oh that's right, it's because they're dumb as shit and rock about as hard as Weezer. But will they pull a Ratt, and sanitize their lyrics at Bayfest in Alabama? From Blabbermouth:

Buckcherry is contractually obligated to perform a profanity-free set, which could be a problem for the raunchy rock act. Guitarist Keith Nelson told AL.com: "We take the same show everywhere...we are what we are," while singer Josh Todd told The Pulse of Radio that he believes a rock concert is not supposed to be a wholesome experience. "We like to just go out there, host the party, have a blast, get everybody enjoying their lives and celebrating, you know, their existence, and that's what going to a rock show was when I was coming up," he said. "That's why I got into this, because it's a lot of fun, you know. You go there, you drink too much, you hook up with a total stranger and, you know, you talk about it for the rest of your life. That's the kind of experience we want to give to people."

*Uncle of Kate Hudson; fired from Disney's mismanagement-plagued Hollywood Records behind accusations of sexual harassment 

**The singing voice of Jeff Bebe (Jason Lee) in Almost Famous starring Kate Hudson

***Nugent's meal ticket in Damn Yankees