IT'S SO SIMPLE MAYBE YOU NEED A REFRESHER COURSE

I overheard a guy in St. Paul bitterly claim that the unnavigable city must've been designed by 'a drunken retard.' Even drunktards have kids apparently, because a descendent of St. Paul's city planners seems to lately have been managing Italian pop-metallists Lacuna Coil. First, real leadership might demand that their live show undergo some tightening up; even overlooking the stage banter (awful) for the more pronounced faults of performance, I'd ask this hypothetical manager if not one of those other four sucks can pull their weight with some live backing vocals? And o! the awkward pauses and bad haircuts.

But more enraging is the Hysteria-esque single choices. Lead single "Spellbound" is Shallow Life's ninth-best melody; follow-up "I Like It" is a veritable taco dip of shrill tunelessness to say nothing of the unwatchable video. Neither seems aimed at a particular listening group. Meanwhile, the album's would-be hits are moldering. See, you've got all those chin piercing, stifled machismo, dour Disturbed types on loud rock radio who'd love a band whose name phonically implies vagina oil, right? I suggest "Underdog" (above). Hmm and if there are lots of complicated pants guys and Pet Shop Boys fans on the dance floor, just crank "I Won't Tell You." How about the Titanic/Armageddon Hot AC crowd (ha I said hot A.C.), hasn't Shallow Life anything for their maudlin, workaday souls? BAM! "Wide Awake." But wait, you say your daughter is 16 and likes to harm herself. Sounds like she needs to be slapped by the awesomely melodramatic "Not Enough." I mean, it's all ball-bearings these days.

OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN

I'll be frank. I think Jim Root of Slipknot is a great guy, good guitarist, probably has a nice low post game. So it was after much MetalSucks begging that I agreed to interview Root's lady, Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil. I knew she'd find me irresistible. Damn this power. 

Italian rock/metal band Lacuna Coil will embark on a U.S. headlining tour in July. Support on the trek will come from Kill Hannah, Seventh Void (Type O Negative's Kenny Hickey and Johnny Kelly), and Dommin.

I picked up a clue that her booty was steaming for me when Scabbia at first pledged a summer of Euro festival dates during our talk only to renege a moment later, saying that plans tend to change. What she meant to say was that she could no longer ignore the tingling my voice caused in her private bits; she was under my power. Her summer was decided then and there. She would go forth and tame America, play 90-minute sets, become a woman of destiny. Only then would the two of us stand as equals. Then out come the boobies.

THIS IS GETTING UGLY

I must be out of my mind cuz I was half in guuguu land after getting home from the world's least lively office dinner when the idea came to put on the Heat-Hawks game dvr'd from tonight, yknow the Hawt series. Just in the background whilst I descend into slumberrr. And if you're wondering how long it took for me to get sucked into the game: about 1:03 left in the first. Then came the numerous near-fights and that shitty flagrant foul charged to Wade. World's ugliest game. And here we are. 

Anyway speaking of not lively, jog on over to MetalSucks to feast your eyes on the antiseptic, apologetic language I employ to describe the new Lacuna Coil. I love that shit but it's exactly like writing about a single potato chip: basic. Plus you have to avoid giving too much lip service to Cristina Scabbia's bod (above). Also check the comments that imply there's a direct correlation between the high rating of LC's Shallow Life and the MetalSucks interview granted by the super-dish Scabbia herself a couple weeks ago. Cmonnn am I that easy? Let's just make it official that I don't soft-pedal the review for less than a smooch from Scabbia. In front of my friends. And she'd sign a notarized document describing the event. Tons of pictures. Oh also in the review, I referred to the LC guitarists as vaginas. So yeah. Nighty!

CRISTINA SCABBIA SAID 'ANAL'

About halfway through a recent interview with Lacuna Coil vocalist Cristina Scabbia, I was wracked with pity for the ravishing Italian rocker. I mean, I'm a consummate professional, so only occasionally did I break down and beg her to send me her underwear but man, what she must be forced to endure from less disciplined interviewers. She greeted me by name, answered patiently and attentively, and thanked me upon our talk's conclusion -- all with the firm and unassailable knowledge that I would gloat to my friends that she wanted me and concoct horseshit stories of our imminent coupling. Ah the burden of hotness, awesomeness, and a killer voice.  

Jog over to MetalSucks to read the interview, which got much shorter once Axl edited out the panting. 

LACUNA RECOIL

So I've been patting Lacuna Coil on the back for hiring a big-dollar producer (Don Gilmore) for Shallow Life, their upcoming 18th album. The Italian sextet (hee hee) released the album's tracklisting yesterday snore but whoa I almost didn't notice way down there the first single "Spellbound" (above). It's hard to believe that LC's sound could be dumbed-down further, but here we are with "Spellbound"'s barely-mid tempo pop punk beat, kinda yucky guitar solo, and incessant repeating of the title (which is "Spellbound"). That's fine and all but what I will not tolerate is this gross underuse of singer Cristina Scabbia. Get your shit together, Gilmore.

I MAY BE A NERD

You're full of shit if you claim that you didn't chortle smilingly at the title of nerd-prog dorks Liquid Tension Experiment's upcoming uh album. There I said it; you're a fucking liar. It's credited to Liquid Trio Experiment and is titled When The Keyboard Breaks. Cute. So not only did 2/5ths of Dream Theater and Peter Gabriel bassist/mega-hottie Tony Levin treat a Chicago crowd to a hot June night of improv in place of their usual, not-at-all-obnoxious set (due to the titular synth malfunction), but now you can buy a recording of this splooge of notes. Outrageous!

It's always embarrassing to be entertained by the Dream Theater guys in any way (even the hilariousness of Mike Portnoy's alcoholism ha drummers), and yet my real shame today might be my unbridled excitement that an April 21 release date has been announced for Lacuna Coil's follow-up to their unambitious but awesome record, Karmacode (whatever the shit that means). All they needed was a real producer, one who wouldn't make them sound like an off-brand Korn. Aaaand cue Cristina Scabbia and her sexy ass:

[Producer Don Gilmore] helped us all find our strengths and work with them to be even better. Sometimes when you're used to something, you get stuck in your own process and you don't see the big picture. So when someone from the outside comes in, they can give you a completely different opinion that you don't have because you're always stuck in there.

Seriously, could the guys in Lacuna Coil (above) work any harder to counteract Scabbia's scorching bod and killer voice? Let's see, we got a tardhawk, mopey Emily braids guy, Professor Flat Iron there, some jackets stolen off the set of Judge Dredd, and a royal flush of dildo facial hair. Stop confusing my boner!

ITALIANS DO IT BETTER

Somehow Italy's Lacuna Coil snatched awesomeness from the jaws of mediocrity by releasing 2006's most compelling melody album, Karmacode. Prior to that, LC boasted one great single (over like 17 albums) and Cristina Scabbia (above), loud rock's best singer -- and whoa quite a fetching one at that. Some Iowan guitarists have all the luck. I haven't called off my campaign to get Scabbia a solo record, though Karmacode did a lot to mute my demands; we'll see if the goofy outfit-prone (read: European) sextet turns out a second near-masterpiece. For now, LC's double DVD Visual Karma (Body, Mind, and Soul) comes out in November. Check out Karmacode's sledgehammer tune "Closer" live (and acoustic ugh) on Dave Navarro's uh Spread TV. Let's get a pool going for time elapsed between the band arriving on set and Navarro's first proposition to 'spread' Scabbia. It was probably in the rider.

*produced by former ex-Soilwork guitarist Peter Wichers?

ZIP IT TESTAMENT, STONE SOUR YOU TOO

Ugh this is tiresome but Testament is the latest Thrash band to irritate their fans (me) by slamming one of their own records. Singer Chuck Billy tells Terrorizer:

[1992's The Ritual] was actually written a lot heavier and thrashier, and at that time, Alex [Skolnick, guitar] was on tour with [goofy bassist] Stu Hamm doing some other gigs and coming back to listen to the songs we wrote. He was like, 'I'm not playing over the thrash parts! We need to slow it down and get some straight-ahead beats.' And when it did that, vocally, for me, it made it kind of boring because it's just one straight path, and it really slowed everything down and broke up the dynamics we created originally.

OK, I get it; you guys are humiliated about relinquishing creative control to Atlantic Records and your snooty lead guitarist. But every motherfucking song on The Ritual rips, propelling the unadventurous album atop the teeny pile of brilliant melodic hard rock records. These albums are elusive and originate from dubious sources: Take Lacuna Coil's Karmacode, a frustratingly riffless Korncore record with every snappy melodic (and harmonic) twist and turn in the book. And even though it's marred by dated, bubbly production, Karmacode slays, bront to fack. And of course the little-loved yet dud-free Skunkworks album (Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson's foray into hooky rock). Monster finale on that bitch.

The HooM! search for more classics like these was rekindled thanks to last week's discussion on MetalSucks about Stone Sour and Shinedown. Loudly endorsed by MS commenters and Anthrax's Scott Ian, Stone Sour's Come What(ever) May found its way into my stereo but It only took three songs for my hopes to be dashed: CW(e)M starts strong with sing-along hard rock but sags under the foul mainstream production and too fucking much Corey Taylor dumbness. Shut up, sir. It's reminiscent of my first experience with 'La Vida Loca': dancing around with my toothbrush at first chorus, then fucking sick of it by fade out. Keep your eyes peeled in 2021 for Taylor and crew's apology. 

Shinedown, you're up. Don't disappoint me.