IT'S SO SIMPLE MAYBE YOU NEED A REFRESHER COURSE

I overheard a guy in St. Paul bitterly claim that the unnavigable city must've been designed by 'a drunken retard.' Even drunktards have kids apparently, because a descendent of St. Paul's city planners seems to lately have been managing Italian pop-metallists Lacuna Coil. First, real leadership might demand that their live show undergo some tightening up; even overlooking the stage banter (awful) for the more pronounced faults of performance, I'd ask this hypothetical manager if not one of those other four sucks can pull their weight with some live backing vocals? And o! the awkward pauses and bad haircuts.

But more enraging is the Hysteria-esque single choices. Lead single "Spellbound" is Shallow Life's ninth-best melody; follow-up "I Like It" is a veritable taco dip of shrill tunelessness to say nothing of the unwatchable video. Neither seems aimed at a particular listening group. Meanwhile, the album's would-be hits are moldering. See, you've got all those chin piercing, stifled machismo, dour Disturbed types on loud rock radio who'd love a band whose name phonically implies vagina oil, right? I suggest "Underdog" (above). Hmm and if there are lots of complicated pants guys and Pet Shop Boys fans on the dance floor, just crank "I Won't Tell You." How about the Titanic/Armageddon Hot AC crowd (ha I said hot A.C.), hasn't Shallow Life anything for their maudlin, workaday souls? BAM! "Wide Awake." But wait, you say your daughter is 16 and likes to harm herself. Sounds like she needs to be slapped by the awesomely melodramatic "Not Enough." I mean, it's all ball-bearings these days.