THIS WEEK WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND YOU KNOW IT

Fucking damnit I don't know who is running Earth this week, but it's probably a drunk retard cuz director John Hughes died at 59, yet Brett Ratner and Riki Rachtman walk the earth hale and healthy. And this year's Rock Gone Wild is in grave peril (Dangerous Toys and Junkyard on the same fucking day!). And meanwhile, so-called god turns a blind eye to reprehensible crab-ass urbilly beard-orgies and garbagecore fests headlined by Limp B****t and L***** ****. And now Metal Sucks is slagging Jake E. Lee, thunderaxe (above, ripping shit apart at Badlands rehearsal, RIP Ray Gillen). Fuck life.

I know I sound hysterical but goddammit it's really piling up around here: The Ozzy-Zakk thing; the Nelson-Bush-Ian's fat mouth thing; Mustaine's starting to pimp his kid out just like Deaddie Van Halen (see what I did there? State school no really!); and yeah the guy behind Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is dead. Hughes also wrote the first and third Vacation movies. And Ferris Beuller's Day Off was his too. So, yeah, basically the films that showed me how to vulgarly rage at both strangers and my family, and how easy it is to deceive those vain enough to assume positions of authority. So yeah I'll be wasted in the pool until further notice.

THE DEVIL IN THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

Read into this what you will but when I first heard of Dayton Ohio's The Devil Wears Prada, the image that formed in my mind was of a band of gay fags singing about handbags and shit. My beloved ex-hair cutter, a sultry and flaming gay, even mentioned them, asking if they were any good. Wait first he asked me if I could get him tickets to the show, but by that time I had found out they were gay in the bad sense (metalcore) and not aimed at fabulous hair salon owners as their fruity name implies. I don't remember where this was going but TDWP's new whatever is landing in the top 20 in its debut week. The guy from Brainiac must be turning over in his grave. I'd like to apologize for that last crack. Not the band Last Crack. Those guys ripped (above).

NOT THE FACE

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OK you know what I don't get about Rock of Love and Charm Sluts Bus and now Daisy Of Love is holy shit those ahem rockers and groupies or whatever are pretty sentimental. All anyone talks about is feelings and honesty. Two nights ago Riki Rachtman (groan) chastised a roomful of grown men drenched in cosmetics and accessories about hurting Daisy's feelings. I believe his exact words were I do not like seeing Daisy's feelings hurt! Yeah? Or what?? Oh and this act of hurting Daisy's feelings is defined with an oddly fascist catch-all: not being here for her. Offenses to date on DoL include drunk-dialing your ex and drunkenly hugging a ton of shiny dudes. 

Maybe my opinion is lame but I thought the rules were that if you had lotsa tattoos and you're in a band that you were supposed to be cool. Not all worshipfully earnest and tragically fawning, respectively, you know who I'm talking about. Even 12 Pack is kinda freaking me out, all vaguely threatening that Brooklyn guy. Kind of a chickenshit move, dude. Incidentally I'm never in Hollywood really but if I ever have to talk my way out of a neck punch by a few of these guys I've branded pussgay here, I'll explain that y'know, there's no such thing as bad press. And that the fondest form of tribute is the roast. Yeah that's it. 

PEOPLE ARE YOU READY TO BOOGIE? CUZ WE'RE GONNA PLAY SOME AUTHENTIC WAAAY DOWN IN THE DELTA BLUES!

Sunday night's Rock of Love Bus reunion show was omg hilar. To start, host Rikki Rachtman called RoLB star Bret Michaels "a true icon in the world of Rock 'n Roll." Dude. Next, the kooky spiritual belly dancer chick also described the dignity-free rocker, concluding that Michaels is 'distracted by the physical world' before putting some shit on his forehead and urging him to find peace. The tone of good-intentioned but retarded sentiment was shattered when the angry chick ("SIX FIGURES") throttled hot-ass Kelsey. Then the horse-sized stripbot and her partner, a character from a John Waters movie, definitively resolved the origin of RoLB's Blonde-tourage. Then the vagina-shot girl, a Darkest Hour fan, said she's sober now. But most hilariously surreal is that again, Michaels chose as his Rock of Love Bus not the hot whiny chick with the yokel accent but the mindless centerfold with her fake-ass drama. It's all so unbelievable.

In other head-slappingly dumb news, stupid band Kiss is confirmed for Cisco Ottawa Bluesfest. Cuz we all enjoy the distinct bluesy feel of "Love Gun" and "Strutter." What, is Canada like the BizarroWorld now? Maybe they should change the name to Whitesfest. 

OK FINE LAGUNA BEACH SEASON TWO WAS RAD

It's not just Riki Rachtman's tenure on Headbanger's Ball that soured my relationship with MTV; that's the main thing but holy shit those jackasses can't do anything right. Like how H'sB blog (not linked on purpose) reports that Testament is reissuing their killer Live At Eindhoven '87 EP -- this time including the entire set from the then-fledgling band's European festival debut. Awesome, right? So I'm all excited to obey the headline and hear an adrenaline-amped version of "Disciples of the Watch" recorded before 30,000 Euro-metalheads but the cocksmoking link is broken. For three days. Eat shit and die, MTV. Well except Jessica Smith (above, standing second from right) knockerz rool lolz!! :P

DIE WITH YOUR BOOBS ON

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Ugh k I'm not into pistol-whipping blind kids so I won't waste our lives pointing out all the mind-mangling hypocrisy on VH1's Rock Of Love: Charm School reunion special last night. But sweet fancy moses for my own goddamn sanity let us again examine the Sharon Osbourne-Megan Hauserman incident. At the top of the show, Riki Rachtman, dumb fuck, leads the chorus of wagging tongues extended to receive Shosbourne's steaming dump and it just gets worse. When Hauserman, one of two Charm Schoolers with a spine, is called to the stage, Shosbourne sets about insulting her not once not twice but thrice. Finally, Hauserman retaliates with some pointed comments re: her pretense and fake-ass wannabe celebrity status and utter exploitation of Ozzy Osbourne. Whereupon Sharon waddles over and splashes a drink in the visibly intoxicated Hauserman's face and attacks her where she sits.

Months earlier Hauserman ostensibly had been 'expelled' from Charm School for the same reason; just as VH1 downplayed the Brandi M.'s instigating shove that brought on the Hauserman kick, once again we get a mere cut-away so the home audience is left in doubt as to Sharon's guilt. But the slag's make-up, hair, and wardrobe were untouched while Hauserman was carried away, less a fistful of hair. And why was the show buried at such an early slot?

As a ahem strong woman and cough role model, Osbourne may be a gigantic fucking hypocrite for attacking people; again, Hauserman absorbed a dozen insults before zinging Sharon where it stings the most: her fake power-player bullshit. Who else has she managed? Coal Chamber? All those second stage never-beens? Smashing Pumpkins for six minutes? What would Ozzfest have been without her property I mean husband? Did The Chevy Chase Show outlast her daytime program? She is a botox-pumped fraud and twice the cunt as the worst Charm Schooler (for the record: Heather Chadwell congrats on landing Anna Nicole Smith's former stylist wow). And if you buy that horseshit about Osbourne's violence being in defense of her husband's honor, get the fuck out of my face you rube; if that were her concern, Ozzy wouldn't have done those last three records. Or Pepsi and mobile phone ads. Or ripped off Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake. Twice.

As if to stamp out any further doubt, Osbourne goes on to backhand Bret Michaels and laud Charm School winner Brandi M. for earmarking her prize money for the worthy cause of breast implants and a trip to Hawaii. That is, after a visit to wow the Playboy Mansion. Sucks to be you, Sharon. You are a zero. Ask around if you don't believe me. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.

TESTAMENT VIDEOS = LIFE

It seems like ages ago, but too-young-to-party dorks once had to rely on video clips to get a good look at hunky Metal bands. It still seems a bit weird to so enjoy four minutes of dudes pretending to rock out -- let alone the more ambitious clips that featured actors and story lines (of sorts). Bands not averse to a measure of cheese mastered the "loser-loner rocker vs. society" genre of Metal video to which W.A.S.P.'s "The Real Me" and "Killed By Death" by Motorhead belong; similar but slightly more dignified is Testament's killer video for "The Ballad" (above) from Practice What You Preach, which cemented my then-nascent devotion to Metal back when Headbanger's Ball was awesome (fuck Riki Rachtman). Awesome shit. 

That was then, and sigh this is now, and now sucks but Testament still sets the bar for rad (if tardy) Metal clips for your face with this new effects-laden joint (below). Thanks Testament. To you five, there is truly "More Than Meets The Eye" what a segue!!

HEARTBREAK BOULEVARD

Look up there at that picture. Go ahead and add some pretty birds tweeting and ribbons flowing through the air and bam! that's how Brandi C. looks through my eyes. Should we marry cough that's the plan cough our first child will be named Angelpie. But B.C.'s run on Rock Of Love Charm School saw its sudden end last night on account of one harmless um drunken loogie, destination: fellow charm schooler Destiney's outraged face. And so that's it VH1 with Megan gone -- and I fought every boner-based urge in my well my boner to gripe about that forthemostpart -- but now The Brandy Sea ousted ... well game fucking over. Those other ta-ramps don't 'rock my world.' They're so ... Actually I'll have to quote the sage DMX re: the remaining mental cases in female form* on ROLCS: "Y'all niggas are characters/Not even good actors."

And yet despite the Brandi C. projectile and Heather's asthma attack (which manifests in outbreaks of plate-throwing and cheap theatrics), Sharon Osbourne still succeeded to shoehorn in some camera time to totally disgrace Metal and her husband, like it or not the King of Metal. Ugh: In the heat of drunk-ass battle, mega-brat Lacey zinged the eminently belittleable Heather, saying "You actually think you're an A-list star!" which is hilarious cuz Lacey was probably exaggerating for effect, which didn't keep Heather from bellowing "I am, betch!" Priceless. But upon hearing of all this, Shosbourne disgustedly states that this kind of talk is senseless and for the record, it is she who is the celebrity. 

Um you? Celebrity? Negatory, old girl. Ozzy is a celebrity. You're just in his shot. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.  

*Not you, Destiney and Kristy Jo you guys are cool. I'm just very upset that's all. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.

RIKI RACHTMAN CAN SHAMPOO MY CROTCH

Holy shit Riki Rachtman can totally s my c because he's a 20-year cockblocking mega-poser. That's a million posers in one. For TWO DECADES. This week's Rock Of Love: Charm School, on which the always despicable Rachtman (above) is a ahem judge, was just packed with eye-rolling, finger-wagging, and down-talking from ex-Headbanger's Ball host. You see, the co-owner of The Cathouse doesn't have any tolerance for bimbo behavior or trashy antics (like, say, around 8:45 on this). I'd accuse Riki of riding Taime Downe's coattails but uh yeah what coattails; Faster Pussycat's big hits sound like Aerosmith living beneath a bridge and a Lifetime original movie with guitar solo, respectively. Oh sorry I forgot the breathtaking "Bathroom Wall" what a gem. Anyway, last time I saw Riki, I expressed my distaste by joining about a thousand Metal people in pelting the big phony with balled-up beer cups and shit. So since 1992, double-R and I were even. Buttttt HooM! Woman of the Year 2008 nominee Megan Hauserman talks Charm School blues to VH1.com:

The only guy around was the biggest loser. I wouldn’t even let him look at me in a bikini. Riki said I was stupid and not that good-looking in one of this week’s extras, you know. 

We don’t get along at all, ever since the Rock of Love reunion, when I told him to go fuck himself. And then, on Charm School, I thought that he didn’t have anything to do with who left or who stayed, so I was just an asshole to him all the time.

Riki sounds just like the old days, comforting himself while watching the hot girls pass him over for a (relative) winner like Taime. Sorry Taime is one of the losers but at least he's their leader. No wonder Riki's band was called Virgin. Rachtman out of Metal! PS Brandi C. rulz!!