AN INSULT TO DIO IS AN INSULT TO US ALL

To a pre-teen, Dio pretty much seemed like Carla from Cheers slinging indecipherable metaphors based on rainbows and mountains and shit. Further, my young mind struggled to surround the idea of a gruff, admonishing elf in the place of the cuddly everyman John Osbourne, and the drastic changes to Black Sabbath that resulted. But adulthood brings new perspective, Dio-era Rainbow is fucking awesome, and each year brings a new Metal documentary in which he comes off as pleasant and principled. And that's precisely why he will never ever ever sing Ozzy-era songs. And no sane person would ask him to. Oh wait. Heaven And Hell guitarist Tony Iommi to Boston Herald:

We love 'War Pigs' and 'Iron Man' and 'Paranoid', but we've played those for 40 years so it's been a nice change. Maybe next year we'll do some of the old stuff.

Yeah this is fucked. Dio and H&H have an awesome new record in addition to the pair of juggernauts which they rip to shreds live (above), while Ozzy is nothing but baggage, a self-defeating slosh who will stop at nothing to destroy his music and garner the world's animosity and scorn. Now it's true, Dio would slay those songs. But come on this is insulting and beneath Dio's contempt. I mean, should your gf be forced to learn the portions of your previous chick's demented, deviant sexual repertoire? No really, she should right? That's what I've been telling her. She won't even watch the video examples I so courteously furnished for her use. Women.

WHO ARE THESE FUCKIN GUYS

It's been a while since Ozzy wasn't the least talented member of his own band, but gimmickry knows no bounds in the Osbourne dimension, and hence this pointless shake-up of the Wince of Darkness's pointless band. That's all changed, as Firewind axeman Gus. G (ne Kostas Kostonmsoihdihoihsfgdusukis) officially completed his first gig in place of heartburn sufferer Zakk Wylde, he of once-mighty riffs. The Gus debut also featured Tommy Cheetos in lieu of re-employed Faith No More drummer Mike Bordin and was thrown together for Ozzy's appearance at BlizzCon which I shit you not is a World of Warcraft event. Have fun at the nerd party, guys?

Osbourne played a 10-song set at the Anaheim Convention Center with backing band guitarist Gus G. (Firewind), drummer Clufetos (Ted Nugent), bassist Rob "Blasko" Nicholson (don't care) and keyboardist Adam Wakeman (son of a guy who didn't back-up nobody ever fuck off Jon Anderson).

That's a pretty off-brand band but whatever. The important thing is that once-rumored Zakk replacement John 'John 5' Lowery (above, on DLR Band's ninth-best song) has been thrown clear in this explosion of yawn, this non-event brought about by withered business minds charged with resuscitating the career of a decade-old corpse. Hey wow it says here that some toddler guitar prodigy joined the band to perform "Crazy Train" and thereby became the youngest ever person to owe money to Sharon. Zing.

THIS WEEK WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND YOU KNOW IT

Fucking damnit I don't know who is running Earth this week, but it's probably a drunk retard cuz director John Hughes died at 59, yet Brett Ratner and Riki Rachtman walk the earth hale and healthy. And this year's Rock Gone Wild is in grave peril (Dangerous Toys and Junkyard on the same fucking day!). And meanwhile, so-called god turns a blind eye to reprehensible crab-ass urbilly beard-orgies and garbagecore fests headlined by Limp B****t and L***** ****. And now Metal Sucks is slagging Jake E. Lee, thunderaxe (above, ripping shit apart at Badlands rehearsal, RIP Ray Gillen). Fuck life.

I know I sound hysterical but goddammit it's really piling up around here: The Ozzy-Zakk thing; the Nelson-Bush-Ian's fat mouth thing; Mustaine's starting to pimp his kid out just like Deaddie Van Halen (see what I did there? State school no really!); and yeah the guy behind Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is dead. Hughes also wrote the first and third Vacation movies. And Ferris Beuller's Day Off was his too. So, yeah, basically the films that showed me how to vulgarly rage at both strangers and my family, and how easy it is to deceive those vain enough to assume positions of authority. So yeah I'll be wasted in the pool until further notice.

WYLDE'S HEART CAN'T BE BROKEN

Rumors of guitarist Zakk Wylde's dismissal from Ozzy's band have been kicking around for like ever. Well at least it was all handled with dignity and grace as befitting a longtime employee and supporter. Oh wait scratch that. Ozzy to Classic Rock:

Well, I’m getting a new guitar player as we speak and everyone has been saying to me for a long time, ‘Get Johnny 5!’ And I tried him at one time and I didn’t really give him a chance. We’ll see, I don’t know. I haven’t fallen out with Zakk, but Zakk’s got his own band, and I felt like my stuff was beginning to sound like Black Label Society. I just felt like I wanted a change, y’know?

To which Wylde replied:

I’m doing Blizzcon with him in August and supposed to finish up the cd in September. This is news to me. I haven’t heard anything about this. Until I talk to the Boss I don’t know. I love Ozzy.

So Ozzy publicly blames his guitarist for Down To Earth's miserable shittiness. But keeps him on for festivals just in case John 5 is wise enough to avoid avoid avoid Sharon. Look, this is low for even the Shosbourne Camp; BLS records can't possibly suck as bad as Ozzy records. Nor do I suspect that BLS favors glitzy ballads and tone deaf non-rock. It's hard to care but let's give Wylde some credit here. After joining Ozzy's band (at 19), he introduced himself with mega-riffs, a proto-Dimebag tone, and three of Oz's best singles.

But as the Osbourne was dropped from his boss's name, Wylde's awesomeness stopped (though he nearly triumphed over shitty synths and a ghastly mix on "No More Tears"). He was stunted and it happened to Eddie Van Halen too, though unlike EVH's unceasing praise, for Wylde it's the futility of effort spent on a fucking Ozzy solo record. That'd be like a public library with a really nice bathroom so weirdos have a safe, sanitary place to bang homeless people. Well that's what Ozzy records make me think of anyway.

NBA GONE WYLDE

A couple years ago, we were freaked out to see NBA's All-Star game feature like three country bands as half-time entertainment. Apparently, the NBA's focus group sessions have yielded them data implying that red state, tucked-in shirt types are intimidated by 10 towering non-whites throwing elbows. So it's unsurprising to see the trend continue as for some reason a self-styled redneck played the national anthem last week preceding a Western Conference Finals game in Denver. Ironically, it's the best thing Zakk Wylde's played on in a decade. Check out all the names they have to drop to interest the understandably nervous Denver crowd, including Wylde's "established rock band" Black Label Society. So why didn't Brandy do the honors at Churchill Downs?

EVIL MINDS THAT PLOT DESTRUCTION

I alotted all of 90 seconds to researching Ozzy's family's retarded variety show (???) and from what I can tell, it only aired once? And a shit-ton of stations moved it to late night or eschewed it altogether, like a Milwaukee station that aired a drug awareness special instead. Apparently, Ozzy's on to his next project, a loudly public legal battle with one of Earth's awesomest people, former/current bandmate Tony Iommi. Sigh. From a statement too coherent to be composed by Ozzy:

As of the mid-1990s, after constant and numerous changes in band members, the brand of 'Black Sabbath' was literally in the toilet and Tony Iommi (touring under the name Black Sabbath) was reduced to performing in clubs. Since 1997, when Geezer [Butler, bass], Bill [Ward, drums] and myself rejoined the band, Black Sabbath has returned to its former glory as we headlined sold-out arenas and amphitheatres playing to upwards of 50,000 people at each show around the world. We worked collectively to restore credibility and bring dignity back to the name 'Black Sabbath,' which led to the band being inducted into the U.K. and U.S. Rock And Roll Hall of Fames in 2005 and 2006, respectively.

Constant and numerous changes? Do occurrences exist that are constant yet not numerous? And I think you mean changes to the band's roster, not changes in band members; I don't recall Tony Martin getting a sexual reassignment surgery or a sassy new dye job for Neil Murray. And fucking thanks for raping my eyes with the phrase literally in the toilet. So what you're saying is Tony Iommi's admittedly crummy (though not without highlights) '80s-'90s Black Sabbath outings all occurred in a toilet? That doesn't make sense. Maybe Ozzy did write this pile.

But seriously, I can't think of any Metal band that wasn't 'reduced' to playing clubs at some point in the 90s. Unless they strapped on a wallet chain or married into the American music industry old guard. Read it again, and you'll see that the quote above is an arrogantly undisguised list of things Ozzy's wife ostensibly did for the Black Sabbath brand. It's all about her marketing power, shamed and cowed as she must be in the face of Heaven And Hell's foaming critical and popular reception. And um retards? Bringing success to an organization doesn't entitle you to ownership. If that were the case, the Bark River Inn would owe me huge plus 15 years' interest. People came in droves for the cleanest plates in town. I heard Warrior Soul's "Shine Like It" for the first time in that kitchen and I still think of cole slaw.

HOOM! LIVE FROM THE BLACK CARPET

It kinda bummed me out last week when anti-Metal slag Sharon Osbourne was briefly and reluctantly lauded for defending her family's um non-traditional image as druggies. This is kinda like how idiots proclaimed Osbourne a tough, independent woman after her assault on someone who dared to return her insults. 

Here, Sharon diverts from the fact that she's exploited her family's pathetic (except Ozzy you're the king, buddy) substance problems to further the Osbourne brand. Sharon's slick like that, and being aware that her family is interesting for no other reason, she goes all Senate Floor with some self-righteous non-answer about the disease against which the Osbournes are battling. In public. In exchange for money. To think, until now I couldn't figure out why Patrick Swayze's new show is called Swayze: Dirty Dancing In My Pancreas.

I wonder if Osbourne is smarting about the death of Ozzfest and, more recently, the fact that 16 Fox affiliates aren't picking up Osbournes: Reloaded and an additional 10 stations bury it at late night slots against Baywatch reruns. I'll have to find out on Tuesday, when HooM! reports on location at the big Metal awards event (above) for the awesomes at MetalSucks. 

LAMB OF GODDAMN IT ANYWAY

I'm a connected guy in the music industry, so I knew that if I indiscriminately HJ'ed all of my contacts that eventually somebody would furnish me with an advance of the new Lamb of God record, Wrath. Well, my right hand is leathered and claw-like -- and my lotion budget exploded by 300% -- but it was worth it! Wrath is wrath-ical! Ha holy shit I'm good. 

But I feel like a dickhole cuz the title (and only the title) of Wrath's fifth track "Fake Messiah" totally reminded me of "Fake Healer" (above), the thunderous opening track on Metal Church's boffo Blessing In Disguise record (Terry Date y'all). Which got me pondering Golden Age Thrash Metal bands' love of semi-informed socio-political commentary, a topic best covered by the Metal Inquisition guys. Suffice it to say EVERY Thrash band had a song about fraudulent religious figures (Ozzy/"Miracle Man"; Anthrax/"Make Me Laugh"; Suicidal Tendencies/"Send Me Your Money"; ad infinitum). 

But anyway, I didn't pay attention to the entire second half of Wrath as I tearfully followed the unfortunate arc of Metal Church's non-career on All Music Guide and recalled my years as an impressionable youth who considered a community of pimply heshers the authority on social responsibility. Way to depress the shit outta me, Lamb of God. 

THE SEXAGENARIAN OF DARKNESS

HooM! fairly teems with lamentations on the deaths/illnesses of Metal's elite, but we're also totally gay for birthdays. With that in mind, let's all celebrate John "Ozzy" Osbourne's 60th! That's right folks, sixty years and nine months ago (yesterday), Jack shot his love-load all off up in Lillian to make Metal's most enduring (and exploited) figure ever. Hard-working rocker, drug- and ant-snorting madman, cross-dresser, basic cable jester, brilliant singer: Many Ozzys have lived and died over those six decades, but none more lovable than the vaguely menacing, parent-scaring Ozzy of 1988's No Rest For The Wicked. 

It's one of those Puppets vs Justice generation gap arguments; the discussion is unfairly slanted towards Blizzard/Diary Ozzy due to the wholly justified reverence of Randy Rhodes. But for your Metal (not hard rock) dollar, No Rest is unbeatable -- production, songs, image, message, everything. That was when the world was so dumb that the government actually wasted everybody's time trying to censor and eventually ban Metal. Ozzy took the flag and planted it right in their foreheads with scary, confrontational singles/videos like "Miracle Man" (below, muah ha ha ha) and "Crazy Babies," (below below, co-starring the Olsen Twins* and late, great drummer Randy Castillo), two stompers propelled by the still-monster riffs of one Zakk Wylde, 19. Less popular but probably more beloved was No Rest's final single, "Breaking All The Rules" (above) which is titled like a housewife movie but quite frankly makes me cry. First, the message of that song is pure Metal. Secondly, it would be the final Metal single from Ozzy, who soon would sport circle glasses, a perfectly parted and straightened mane, and a whole shit ton of reverb and keyboards. In other words: The death of the man and the birth of the brand. All the same: Go forth, HooM!sters, and break all the ruuuu-wuu-huuules.

*not true

HEARTBREAK BOULEVARD

Look up there at that picture. Go ahead and add some pretty birds tweeting and ribbons flowing through the air and bam! that's how Brandi C. looks through my eyes. Should we marry cough that's the plan cough our first child will be named Angelpie. But B.C.'s run on Rock Of Love Charm School saw its sudden end last night on account of one harmless um drunken loogie, destination: fellow charm schooler Destiney's outraged face. And so that's it VH1 with Megan gone -- and I fought every boner-based urge in my well my boner to gripe about that forthemostpart -- but now The Brandy Sea ousted ... well game fucking over. Those other ta-ramps don't 'rock my world.' They're so ... Actually I'll have to quote the sage DMX re: the remaining mental cases in female form* on ROLCS: "Y'all niggas are characters/Not even good actors."

And yet despite the Brandi C. projectile and Heather's asthma attack (which manifests in outbreaks of plate-throwing and cheap theatrics), Sharon Osbourne still succeeded to shoehorn in some camera time to totally disgrace Metal and her husband, like it or not the King of Metal. Ugh: In the heat of drunk-ass battle, mega-brat Lacey zinged the eminently belittleable Heather, saying "You actually think you're an A-list star!" which is hilarious cuz Lacey was probably exaggerating for effect, which didn't keep Heather from bellowing "I am, betch!" Priceless. But upon hearing of all this, Shosbourne disgustedly states that this kind of talk is senseless and for the record, it is she who is the celebrity. 

Um you? Celebrity? Negatory, old girl. Ozzy is a celebrity. You're just in his shot. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.  

*Not you, Destiney and Kristy Jo you guys are cool. I'm just very upset that's all. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.