So I can never listen to "Be Aggressive" and not continue on to the Angel Dust monument to awesome that follows, entitled erm "A Small Victory." Yeah so here it is without further ado (Rosenberg!!):
THE METALIST AWESOMEST HILARIOUSEST FAITH NO MORE CLIP EVER!
Faith No More is music's proudest achievement and helps me avoid the fact that it's not 1989 anymore but FNM bassist Billy Gould keeps dragging me into the present with the Twitter updates lately. I get it he shouldn't pay a publicist for pre-news like this:
In response to all of our concerned US brethren...YES...we yare now actively planning US dates.
and maybe I'm overreacting due to inexperience with an awesome musician who also engages in this jackoff pseudo-social Twitter bullcrapola. Plus, man am I weird or do the terms twitter and tweet suggest to you a number of graphic sexual amalgams? Yeah, let's not get any more explicit than that cuz my parents can hardly show their faces at the club already. But anyway whoa the point is U.S. DATES U.S. DATES!! U.S. DATESSSSSS!!
Best of all, HooM! is media sponsor on FNM's West Coast leg, so shhh don't tell but we can exclusively announce the first date: May 1, 2010 @ Anso's Crotch, Los Angeles. General Admission!
Faith No More is back together and duh that's awesome. The Jim Martin issue never has bothered me; the instant that King For A Day...Fool For A Lifetime was released, I decided that Martin wasn't worth missing. It's only recently that I've begun to pine for the dorkwad guitarist, who once dropped like 60 F-bombs in a 300-word feature in Guitar Player. And so it seems like the end of an extended episode of denial as I acknowledge to myself that Martin's thudding, over-chorused riffs are quite muscular and speckled with awesome bits of melody. Like the solo in "Land of Sunshine"; the "Be-hee-hey-lieve wany-hey-aye-they-hang anyone ever tells youwoowoe" part in "Caffeine"; the entire middle section of "Malpractice" (above, playing only the first part of a song is fucking annoying); each juicy second of "A Small Victory" and "Underwater Love"; in fact, only on "Kindergarden" and "Jizzlobber" does he fall flat at all and only briefly.
And further, Jon Hudson may have crafted one of history's most memorable solos in "Stripsearch," but he is so blank and boring in each frame of reunion tour footage I've seen. A guitarist is supposed to be a point of interest in a band; Hudson has no zazz, zork, or even kapowza. Meanwhile, a scenery-chewing Mike Patton seems out-of-tune and short of effort. He's been energetic and wacky, but indifferent to pitch and disinterested in the songs. Maybe I'm too hard on Patton. Ha I said hard-on.
It's been a while since Ozzy wasn't the least talented member of his own band, but gimmickry knows no bounds in the Osbourne dimension, and hence this pointless shake-up of the Wince of Darkness's pointless band. That's all changed, as Firewind axeman Gus. G (ne Kostas Kostonmsoihdihoihsfgdusukis) officially completed his first gig in place of heartburn sufferer Zakk Wylde, he of once-mighty riffs. The Gus debut also featured Tommy Cheetos in lieu of re-employed Faith No More drummer Mike Bordin and was thrown together for Ozzy's appearance at BlizzCon which I shit you not is a World of Warcraft event. Have fun at the nerd party, guys?
Osbourne played a 10-song set at the Anaheim Convention Center with backing band guitarist Gus G. (Firewind), drummer Clufetos (Ted Nugent), bassist Rob "Blasko" Nicholson (don't care) and keyboardist Adam Wakeman (son of a guy who didn't back-up nobody ever fuck off Jon Anderson).
That's a pretty off-brand band but whatever. The important thing is that once-rumored Zakk replacement John 'John 5' Lowery (above, on DLR Band's ninth-best song) has been thrown clear in this explosion of yawn, this non-event brought about by withered business minds charged with resuscitating the career of a decade-old corpse. Hey wow it says here that some toddler guitar prodigy joined the band to perform "Crazy Train" and thereby became the youngest ever person to owe money to Sharon. Zing.
That Metal Show's Download Fest special got off to a shaky start with a flatulent Def Leppard farting through the fartastic "Pour Some Sugar On May" but the next clip was kickass Tesla in Like New condition. In the judiciously edited interview footage, funnymen ruled like Steel Panther and Ripper Owens, and HooM! Horns to Lil' Joey Jordison whose Stump The Trunk question was about the fantastic Voivod Angel Rat record (above, Piggy most fluent guitarist ever?). Then TMS co-host/painfully unfunny dunce Jim Florentine started humping Tommy Lee's leg and Buck Cherry joined them for the incoherent argument segment in which apples battle oranges. Surprise not one of those fucknuggets voted for Faith No More as the best mainstage headliner (Def Lep 3 [seriously?], Slipknot 3).
While not being entertained by Florentine's weird neck and repeated mention of Lee's wang, I drifted off and thought about how fucking awful it must have felt for the members of Faith No More to play right after Limp Bizkit and Korn. I would've demanded that the stage be sectioned into little roped-off islands for each Bizkiteer from which they may not wander. And the Korn guys suspended from wires except Luzier.
Those abusive jerks at MetalSucks wouldn't let me write about it, but here goes goddammit it was I who counted St. Anger among the 21st century's best Metal on the now-infamous MS List. Wait shit not St. Arship but seriously, betcha didn't notice The Crown's Possessed 13 received 21 points, equivalent to a single #1 ranking. Yep, ladies, that was moi! My favorite goddamn record of the last bunch of years wasn't even sneezed on by a single other voter. EAT SHIT EACH OF YOU!!
In related news, I love to party and yet certain songs inevitably prompt me to envision my own funeral. What can I tell ya. I don't want any of that downer shit, just dress me in a Testament shirt, tuck copies of Angel Dust and Seventh Son into the coffin, and be blasted with face-scorching Metal as the proceedings conclude. I will've wanted it that way. Vote for Possessed 13's haunting and celebratory finale "Dawn of Emptiness" in HooM!'s Your Funeral Music poll. Yeah I bet you like that bolding. We're bringing it.
A quietitem on Blabbermouth Wednesday morning announced the departure of ex-Whitesnake guitarist John Sykes from Thin Lizzy. While rational people wouldn't deign to register the information, for Blue Murder fans it sets off alarm bells and flashing lights. Last Fall, Sykes shot down an agitating Carmen Appice, BM's mustachioed skinsman, who pledged a BM tour in a 2006 interview. But as a wingnut who counts the summer of Blue Murder discovery as a major turning point in my life, it's my sonofabitching right to just ya know choose to believe in a coming string of reunion shows before Appice's body stops moving cuz he's like 70. My mindpower worked on Faith No More and Cave In. Everybody should follow my example and that of a smattering of Bmouth commenters. It's just like religious people who submit to begging on their knees, then claim divine favor when their wishes are accidentally fulfilled. You're welcome, Faith No More fans! I did that shit! Now Blue Murder super happy let's go!
So the Lakers championship celebration was totally surreal yesterday. 90,000 packed into the Colosseum, a cool million lining the streets leading from Staples. So am I out of line in suggesting that the Laker Girls should go at least topless? It's a championship, people. 65 wins, too.
It seems I have quite a skill for being absent from monster crowds assembled to hail awesomeness this week, like the Download Festival/Faith No More lifegasm. I didn't even see the live feed (above, MI rules); I'd sat through Korn and a slightly less painful meeting, but after positively tear-assing back to my desk, I was greeted with Limp Bizkit replay; FNmfM's set was mf gd over! But let's all commend the Download crowd for such copious and day-changing knocker-flaunting. Shoulder-riding top-lifting chicks should open for FNM every night. Right? In a way, Lakers fans could really learn from them.
The product of extensive number crunching, our calculations read that at 1pm in L.A., Faith No More's Download Festival set will be webcast here. Not to be all ungrateful but how about more notice next time? Now I have to reschedule with my cake/pie guy who's in town from Tempe with a trunkful of hot Entenmann's. He's gonna screw me on the crullers but it'll be worth it to confirm FNM's level of awesomeness, cuz British reviewers seem so full of shit and I'm sure as hell not taking retarded-ass Joe Elliott's word for it. Iddiott dishes out backhanded compliments to FNM before praising the career, money, and fake longevity provided to his band by Mutt Lange to Metal Hammer:
When Faith No more got together I was raving about them. They were embarrassed, I think because they weren’t Leppard fans! Those guys went through such a meteoric rise that they didn’t know where they were, then they released an album no-one bought and they split up.
Kudos to bands like us and Iron Maiden who’ve managed to avoid all that. Now the band are older and wiser, they’ll probably say, ‘I wish I’d done it differently’ and I can’t help having a wry smile ‘cos we did things differently.
I'm not sure the guys in Faith No More were hanging on your every word in the 90s while they grew into the most interesting band on earth and you were imploring the world's population to join you in getting rokked as the leader of producer Mutt Lange's backing band. The logic at work here is rickety at best, and cloudy enough that I can't make heads or tails of his comments on "an album no-one bought" [sic]. Surely you speak not of Angel Dust (above). And get Iron Maiden's name out your mouth, dingus. There is no "us and Iron Maiden." Maybe "us and Bryan Adams."
I, for one, made poor use of Faith No More's last years and since then have made a lot of wild promises in exchange for even the crummiest FNM reunion. That's basically what we're getting, but all the same I hope no one actually enforces my thoughtless pledge to give up my weekend purse-snatching route or stop picking fights with homeless people cuz it's official: Faith No More is back together.
The first clips (e.g. above, the opener ffs) from the European tour kick-off at Brixton Academy surfaced last night and Patton sounds great, which probably means he's into it -- good sign. The setlist is brilliant, though topheavy with post-Martin songs; but it's not the same old set of the standards -- another great sign. (It could use "A Small Victory" and "The Perfect Crime" and fewer covers but). Hopefully, they'll engage the media and maybe even cuddle with each other like friends. Then again, it's never been abundantly clear if they ever got along. Probably because no jackass writer has done a full FNM bio. Wow I already wrote the foreword. Get me on the tourbus! Almost Faith-mous.
Hey if your balls/boobs feel heavier today it's because HooM! is a big, veiny year old now. Yes it's Happy Birthday to HooM!; that was 365 days ago that a rage-based jerk found a employer-subsidized way to hurl insults at traitors of Metal and other dicklickers. It's been an eventful year since then and I've taken a few elbows to the groin. But that's my sacrifice for the honor of defending Metal with slander and thinly-veiled threats. One request: Hurry up and help my popularity explode so I get a host gig on a VH1 pop culture show AND a chance to pork Megan Hauserman. Dio says Dream Evil. I say Dream Naked, y'all. I remain your servant.
Ugh it's pretty tough to call into question the integrity of Faith No More. They did everything right, from songcraft to recording/production to artwork/videos and attitude in general. However, I will beef with great god another fucking greatest-hits collection (above). And yes, I realize this bastard is a UK release and that it makes sense to promo it on Blabbermouth which is popular outside of America, a fact coincidentally that disproves the mythical US monopoly on stupidity trust me. Anyway, The Very Best Definitive Ultimate Greatest Hits Collection comes close to getting the shit right, thanks to bonus disc of a pretty inclusive catalog of B-sides. Sure, it omits the pleasurable but inessential "I Wanna Fuck Myself" (GG Allin) and "Spanish Eyes" (standard) from the "Ricochet" single I think. But they make up for it with "Sweet Emotion", which, according to ancient legend, is an early draft of "The Perfect Crime" (which appeared on second FNM comp This Is It The Best Of Faith No More [Rhino]). Fuck I consider myself a full FNM homo since jump street (thanks dad) and I've never even been on the same continent as shouty B-side "The Big Kahuna" (below). So bring on another best-of.
The real news of course is the inevitable and painstakingly gradual lathering up of stateside fans. FNM bassist Billy Gould on Twitter:
U.S. shows are not out of the question.
Someone tell professor chatty pants here to shut up already. Oh wait what I mean is the band's been back together for like ten minutes and already Gould's treating worshipful parasite fans like me like a nagging wife. Cmon Billy Gould if that is your real name my FNM ticket/fees/merch/'concessions' money isn't just going to dance into your pocket. When's the last time we cuddled or you told me I was beautiful?
HooM! is your supersource for silly rants and the latest casualty was Voivod, whose upcoming record Infini unveiled artwork this week. What I meant to write (before the uh tangent) was that the band is doing an amazing job with this guitarist transition. They completed two albums without Piggy's total participation, and for touring purposes, they quietly acquired a smiley guitarist who plays the parts good. And now that the last of Piggy's work is set to go, it seems perfectly natural that they tour more, and maybe follow that with a greatest hits tour celebration (with Faith No More please please). Then do a record with the new guy. He seems cool.
You have a point if you find that this barely qualifies as newsworthy. On the other hand, you are a major pussy. Whoa burrrrrn! Testament's Eric Peterson talks about the next Testament record to England's MetalheadzFM:
2008's The Formation Of Damnation is setting up for the next record and all the work were doing right now is setting up for a bigger idea. [As of now,] there are about four songs. We even have a slow song but we thought they weren't ready yet. I mean, I prefer playing stuff like "DNR" and "The Formation Of Damnation" and there's other guys in the band who like to play the more rock melodic style. The next [record] is gonna be a bit heavier, I think.
Y'know, when I first heard Testament masterpiece #3, The Gathering (1999), it seemed pretty damn solid for a band past their prime. After a few more spins, it qualified as great considering all the line-up changes and y'know, the death of real Metal. Then it hit me that the shit is fucking perfection, thanks in no small part to drummer Dave Lombardo and some career performances from Peterson and singer Chuck Billy. Heavy as fuck, catchy as hell. The only problem with The Gathering, I now realize, is the absence of guitarist Alex Skolnick. Well shut my mouth; it's 2009 and Skolnick + heavier than TFoD = The Gathering II! And did I mention that Faith No More is gonna tour?! BONER TIME 2009.
So count on HooM! to be your Faith No More reunion spaz attack headquarters for the foreseeable future. If that's a problem, then um take it up with consumer affairs, fuckface. Oh yeah while I'm barking orders, let's all relax about the Jon Hudson situation. His parts were great on Album Of The Year, and, had he gotten the chance to settle in, would've been awesome on further FNM releases. Plus, logistically speaking he makes sense; do you think Martin would learn/play stuff from AotY and/or King For A Day, Fool For A Lifetime? Nah.
And for my final missive before whacking off on the Angel Dust booklet (again), I hereby decree the following as the Official Faith No More Monkey Cage Reunion Tour 2009 setlist:
Holy sweet merciful mother of fuck. Faith No More. Reunion. Tour. Finally. Bassist Billy Gould in a statement to Blabbermouth:
Throughout our 17 years of existence, the mental and physical energy required to sustain [Faith No More] was considerable and relentless. Though amicable enough, when we finally split, we all followed paths seemingly destined to opposite ends of the universe. Yet during the entire 10 years that have passed since our decision to break up, we've experienced constant rumors and requests from fans and promoters alike. Nevertheless, for whatever reason, none of us kept in regular touch, much less to discuss any possibilities of getting together.
What's changed is that this year, for the first time, we've all decided to sit down together and talk about it. And what we've discovered is that time has afforded us enough distance to look back on our years together through a clearer lens and made us realize that through all the hard work, the music still sounds good, and we are beginning to appreciate the fact that we might have actually done something right. Meanwhile, we [now] find ourselves with zero label obligations, still young and strong enough to deliver a kick-ass set, with enthusiasm to not only revisit our past but possibly add something to the present. And so with this we've decided to hold our collective breaths and jump off this cliff.... BACK, GOD FORBID, INTO THE MONKEY CAGE!!!
We can only hope that the experience of playing together again will yield results erratic and unpredictable enough to live up to the legacy of FNM.
Whenever I get all retrospective (around hour three of mushrooms), it becomes clear that the turning point in my life was soon after gazing on a cassette copy of FNM's epic (sorry) album The Real Thing through shreds of wrapping paper a little more than ugh 19 years ago. Days later, when the album sank in, the seemingly unconquerable outside world from which I'd retreated suddenly shrank to a manageable size, a perspective viewed effortlessly from all angles. If these five non-brain surgeons could master something so elusive and intangible (pop music) while coming off like drug-gobbling, piss-drinking, fish-torturing goofballs, then SHIT so could I. Thanks, Dad!
A few months back when word leaked that Faith No More's bookers had placed holds on European venues for summer 2009, some promoter told Metal Hammer that FNM had yet to get "their PR machine together," presumably meaning that hype attendant to this huge would-be event was lacking. That's true but who could predict the prescience of that statement, as the life-changing news of an actual tour by the world's greatest band (yes) has been confirmed as an aside, an afterthought to one of Mike Patton's many inessential projects. Not etched into the surface of the moon or delivered via press conference by leaders of all nations.
It seems that The Tripwire followed up with Patton's Ipecac Records:
As confirmed tonight by his label and publicist, Mike Patton has announced that Faith No More will be reuniting for a European summer tour. While no other info has been given, we’ve been told that the tour will only take place in Europe, the dates are “to come” and there are absolutely no plans to tour the States. We’ve also been informed that Patton will not be doing interviews about the subject.
Pitchfork Media is reporting that the final FNM line-up (guitarist: Jon Hudson) will do the tour, but that's supposedly drawn from the Tripwire report, which confirms no line-up information. Other Bitchdork claims include that FNM traded in something called 'skronky jazz textures' (not really, dude) and 'awkward white-guy rapping' (do you mean 'awkward white-guy raping'?) and that Metal at the time was 'profoundly regressive.' IGNORANT.
If a momentary hush fell across your town and your living room lights dimmed, it's obviously because the beloved Ultraspank has announced its historic reformation. I hope they tour with Hoobastank and Spineshank. No but seriously, in news that living humans actually care about, Blabbermouthreports that former Faith No More guitarist Jim Martin will not take part in FNM reunion shows, which do not exist:
A source close to guitarist Jim Martin, who was in the group from 1983 until 1993, has told Blabbermouth that the axeman recently expressed interest in taking part in the reunion after being contacted by keyboardist Roddy Bottum and a member of the band's management, but that the band [has now] decided to utilize a different guitarist — believed to be one of several musicians that were in Faith No More following Martin's exit from the group — for the upcoming dates.
On one hand, it's safe to assume that the tip originates with Martin himself, since it's tough to imagine that there truly are "sources close to" him. OK that sounds pretty mean but last we heard, his passions included pumpkin-farming and no longer being a member of Faith No More, two activities that don't encourage business representation. Or even casual acquaintance. On the uh same hand, accepting the Blabbereport as true would mean there's creedence to the reunion rumors, that life is worth living, and finally, that I'd be forced to stop killing myself with drugs and Fritos. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
If there's lingering doubt about Faith No More's rise from commercially underachieving alt-metal group to canonized legacy act, it might be put soundly to rest by oh say a FNM reunion tour. A big one. Then we could all get on with our lives. Sure, there'd be bad attitudes (did they ever get along?), but management could keep the band chatter to a minimum and shine a bright, screaming light on FNM's dual mega-classics The Real Thing and Angel Dust (Greatest Record of All Time) as well as the uneven but essential King For A Day...Fool For A Lifetime and Album of the Year. We could be like those hippie people and Rush fans who attend like 10 shows per tour; I'd bring a neurosurgeon to each city so the board signal could shoot FNM directly into my brain. (What kind of cables would that require? email HipstersOutOfMetal@gmail.com.) But with singer Mike Patton kinda bigger than Faith No More for a decade now, could a reunion happen? Kerrang! reports:
Industry insiders suggest that hugely infuential '90s alt-metal band Faith No More is planning to return next year. Kerrang! understands that a number of U.K. venues have been placed on hold for shows from the band next spring, while U.K. festival appearances are rumored to follow in the summer.
Founding bassist Bill Gould played down the speculation: "If anything like this were to happen, it would have to come from the band, and I haven't spoken with any of them in over a year. So as far as I know, there isn't anything to talk about, and I'm pretty sure that if you were to contact Patton, he would tell you the same thing."
Despite several years of vigorously denying claims the band would reform, Mike Patton seems to have softened in recent months. In an interview with the Artisan News Service in January, he said "I wouldn't rule it out. I don't think we need to reform the band, but maybe there's other things we could do together."
Patton seems to be hinting at a new album of Faith No More material. Meanwhile, Gould plays dumb. Mike Bordin plays drums with Ozzy ugh, Roddy Bottom is still doing the underrated but clearly not FNM-level Imperial Teen, Jim Martin is probably enjoying a fine pizza. So how about this: We'll all just leave our wallets right here like so, and you guys just take whatever you feel is fair. Go ahead now. That's right. And hey what's this? Why it's a stage! Here let me flip this switch and this one and GO!!!!!!!!! Make loud Faith No More now!