DALLAS COYLE GET BACK TO WORRRRRRRK!

I know that the cosmos supports HooM! in our spiritual quest for unhindered internet profanity, since it's only goddamn Tuesday and yet there is plenty about which to swear irately. Like fucking God Forbid founding guitarist Dallas Coyle quitting the band less than two months after the release of Earthsblood, their fifth album. Which makes no sense. The understandably fratricidal Doc Coyle states:

It's true that Dallas has left the band. It's taken us a few days to confirm this definitely, and figure out what we were going to do considering the fact that we are starting a very important tour with Lamb Of God this week.

All I can say is that there was a mutual disagreement between Dallas and I, and the disagreement became angry on both sides, and he decided to sit out the tour the day we were supposed to leave. We later learned he did not want to tour anymore at all. Everyone in the band, including myself, was upset and shocked. 

For me, it's a lot tougher because he's my brother and I have a very close bond with him. We've done everything together our whole lives, so it's difficult to deal with emotionally, but I understand he has bigger responsibilities at home to care for. I wish he would've handled it in a different way, but I am not angry at him for leaving if he is unhappy with our situation. I really hope he finds success and happiness in his future pursuits.

In the meantime, we've recruited ex-Darkest Hour shredder Kris Norris to fill in for the tour. I look forward to playing with him, and I'm sure he will knock it out the park! Byron and I will pick up the slack with the vocals as much as we can.

Metal people, don't panic, I'm often brought in to mediate biblical schisms like this Coyle-Coyle split. Yeah I'm the one who got REO Speedwagon back together. Don't thank me now. My phone hasn't rung yet, except from those rat bastards at AT&T, but I'll go ahead and get started by ordering Dallas back into that band. This whole thing is pure nonsense. Next thing you're gonna tell me that mustard has just quit my sandwich.