DON'T STOP BEREAVIN'

File this in the Duh folder but man the resusitation of rank '70s novelty Alvin & The Chipmunks must be the work of a powerfully cynical bastard. Sure, artful children's programmers like Jim Henson could engage and stimulate young people, the motherfucker would say, but is it not equally important to release collections of pop songs helium-screeched by computer-generated rodents? And in the interest of blitzing the logic circuits of any present adults, let's tweak any potentially suggestive lyrics to maximize impact of the A&TC brand. Ref. the Chipmunked version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'," which replaces 

A singer in a smokey room

The smell of wine and cheap perfume

For a smile they will share the night

It goes on and on and on and on

with

A singer in a cloudy room

The smell of fur and cheap cartoons

For a smile they will watch our show

It goes on and on and on and on

OK in the name of everything holy it's disturbing enough to imagine the prelude to a christfucking CHIPMUNK ONE-NIGHT STAND without considering the smell of fur. And what the goddamn fuck is a cloudy room? 

When I eventually dynamite the screwfucks responsible, I'll include on that list the movie theater whose pre-show sound system planted that shitty unmusic -- along with a medley of Seal channeling his inner Chipmunk on an unnecessary covers project of his own -- into my brain where it would fester throughout the entirety of My Bloody Valentine 3D. Which was awesomely dumb but fatally flawed in that star Jaime King (above, surprise!) was wardrobed in loose flannel and flat, brown hair. That's even more wrong than Alvin & The Chipmunks! That's like listening to Dokken's "Burning Like A Flame" (below) but not dancing around while singing into a hairbrush. Seriously fuck the world.