KING DIAMOND HAS A WIFE. HUH.

The awesomes at Metal Inquisition are well awesome as proven by this week's terrif 'Retroview' on the little-known Seattle trio Forced Entry. The first time I encountered FE and their video "Never The Know, But The No" (above), singer/guitarist Brad Hull's two-finger tapping kinda sent my bowtie spinning. (Can you spot the grunge superstar cameo?) At that age, the was little else to do than buy records based on cover art and the occasional video; we wasted no time um acquiring their 1991 record As Above, So Below. MI's Hate Eternal-hating Sergeant D nails it:

Now this is a masterpiece of technical, progressive thrash! Imagine the precision and brutality of Dark Angel with the angular, progressive touches of maybe Cynic or something. Although it is impossible [to confirm] without access to the Nocturnus time machine, it almost sounds like they were listening to a lot of Oppressor's Agony because the riffs are more than a little bit similar. You might remember the song "Macrocosm Microcosm," which got a fair amount of airplay on Headbanger's Ball, but that song is by far the weakest part of this album. The rest are full of technical, cock-smashing brutality like the lead track, "Bone Crackin' Fever." The majority of the songs are long, twisting epics with tons of weird syncopation and meandering riffs (in a good way).

Now, while that album certainly deserved at least Atheist-level recognition, the guys in Forced Entry weren't doing themselves any favors with that band name. It's a bit reminiscent of Judass Priest's killer Point of Entry album, whose cover art at arm's length resembles a path stretching into a dude's denim crotch/bum. And the "forced" part ... well, taken together it's pretty unpleasant sounding. Gayish. Like the band is out to invade your roofied body with their throbbing, tech-thrash shaft.

Speaking of gayish, King Diamond always strikes me as vaguely fruity, though I'm not sure why. Though I dig the guy, I don't know anything about his personal life except his residence in Texas and NASCAR fandom. Maybe he just reminds me of another rocker with a similar lifestyle. But hey here ya go, King has a luscious young wife! From Blabbermouth:

King Diamond spoke about his 24 year-old Hungarian wife Livia Zita, whom he calls his "soulmate." According to King, who is 52 years old, he spoke to Livia for the first time when she interviewed him over the phone for Metal Hammer. "We got along incredibly well. And afterward I couldn't stop thinking about her," King says. "[My] music has only become heavier. But I admit that being in love has made me a bit soft inside. Every day is like Christmas. I am just so much in love with Livia.

I may be a paranoid idiot, but here King sounds suspiciously like R&B chanteur Seal, who unconvincingly heaped gooey love talk all over wife/beard Heidi Klum on Oprah but is a ball of clenched anti-paparazzi rage elsewhere. This week, I detailed my crazy theories to my girlfriend, who is Japanese and therefore an expert on repressing/suppressing unthinkable sexual perversion. According to the printout that streamed from her left ear, both Seal and Lars Ulrich came up red-hot gay, though findings were inconclusive on King. To be continued?