While over on Tyler Tuesday, I surprised myself by telekinetically high-fiving both slut-ass Avril Lavigne and shithammered-ass Lady Gaga (above, what are you looking at). Their immoral behavior is a desperately needed bad example for our world's youth to follow. Meanwhile, Metal is overrun with earnest, goal-oriented squares with fancy jackets and complicated shoes! Regular humans look to musicians to witness lifestyles that just aren't logistically possible for most. Instead these busybodies remind us of the luckless grind of everyday business and are all too happy to represent an unhappy return to the reality of modern isolation and greed. Nobody's uncooperative with the press anymore. When's the last time an interviewee rightly instructed me to find a dark corner in which to fuck my own face? Would it kill Eric Peterson to break a guitar on somebody's spine once in a while? I'd volunteer but I threw my back out last night porking your old lady nuuuuge.
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