Tuesday was a great day for delusional stupidity and fake-ass tough guy antics. In no order: Prince Fielder's attempt at an angry post-game confrontation with the pitcher who beaned him, only to be thwarted by the stringent security network consisting of one unarmed dude in sweatpants guarding the Dodgers' locker room; earlier, gibbering retard Paula Abdul took to the internet to mouth-fart her farewell to the American Idol peanut gallery, to which HooM! asskissee Nikki Finke aptly replied and I quote 'Oh, barf'; and possibly hilariousest of all, Paramount's not-believable excuse for G.I. Joe's low profile (i.e. lack of press screenings), which I'll paraphrase thusly: We're muzzling those who normally would be begged to spread awareness of the film so we can at least wallet-rape those too stupid to step around this Everest of dogshit. (And what favors has Para cashed in to get this generously unquestioning copy from those who should be offended by the blackout?)

Look, those G.I. Joe cartoons were terrible jingoist bullshit with virtuous good guys fighting a legion of megalomaniacs who for no very good reason wanted to enslave the world's population. And if I wanted shrill theatrics, cheap production, and copious shrieks of suffering, I'd just spin all Queensryche's shitty stuff. Which huh now that I think about it is everything except Empire, Mindcrime, and "Neue Regel" from Gays For Order (above). COOOO-BRA!

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