It's been a long lonely nine months since Megan Hauserman's exit from Rock Of Love: Charm School and its accompanying catfight with Sharon Osbourne, but Hauserman's own vehicle Megan Wants A Millionaire premiered Sunday. I think we can all see what is really going on: This show is a thinly-veiled plea for my affection, the latest in a lengthy campaign to rekindle the romance that began at the airport that morning last summer. It was a chance meeting at the security checkpoint, but the groundwork for Millionaire was ahem laid that day, as she's now sifting through rich dorks whose money can't begin to compensate for their lameness, using a criteria openly based on my awesomeness. But at this point, that Hauserman is my female counterpoint in my war against Shosbourne, and that she hauled out cuddlebottom Brandi C. (above, right) on Millionaire's very first episode ... well, she's a well-timed ice cream cone away from snaring my heart and wang. Good luck, Megan!

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