Dozens of lucky people tuned in to MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Because who's less qualified to award anything to anybody than a basic cable channel with 45% ad content and endless hours of OxyContin-gobbling fucksluts who look best in grainy cellphone images?
But what a night. The hilarity of Mike Myers unearthing Dana Carvey for an uncomfortable rehash of the little-missed Wayne's World [The girls from The Hills looked puzzled]. The portent of 100% pure batshit insane Tom Cruise bestowing a lifetime achievement award on Rob Schneider's patron [Cruise calls Adam Sandler 'Sandman.' Oh, the chemistry]. The embedded ads for chewing gum [Verne Troyer = Dignity-Free Zone]! The hilarious antics of Ben Stiller [Kill me]! Will Smith brought his fucking boring kid!
Wait -- Johnny Depp is funnier than Jonah Hill? Best Summer Movie So Far Award presented before Summer begins? Robert Downey Jr. is off drugs? Me and Megan Fox have the same tattoo? What's a gold carpet?
In other news, I forgot my watch today. My arms currently weigh the same and it sucks.