NO SURVIVORS!

As an infantile, legend-in-my-own-mind type, I'm prone to bouts of venomous muttering and holy shit, a co-worker totally busted me in the middle of a full-tilt soliloquy today. I hurriedly explained that the bimbonic Dave Mustaine was pissing me off 'with all these goddamn best-of releases.' Still smirking, the knocking-deficient co-worker stated that as it were he himself was a Megadeth fan, specifically of their 'awesome Countdown To Extinction album.' I only stabbed him once with my letter opener 'cause he's a few years younger and it's understandable that he was late to the party.

 

We then huddled over the non-sensical tracklisting for Mustaint's latest pointless compilation and recoiled in unison at its awfulness. Positively strip-mining for something positive, I tonelessly expressed that at least the anthology takes its title from one of Metal's best achievements, "Set The World Afire." I was immediately embarrassed upon the realization that Megadeth has hardly 'set the world afire' (despite some pretty major hits) and that the title is egomaniacal and worse,  inaccurate. On top of that, Mustaine is currently a coffee-swilling Republican pussy who wouldn't even enjoy civilization's blinding immolation. Shit. 

Anyway, there are few songs more Metal than "Set The World Afire." It's got all the requisite parts of a classic of the genre: 

• no fewer than three incredible riffs
  
• themes of destruction, fatalism, mistrust of authority
  
• anti-social attitudes expressed by a self-perceived outcast
  
• mocking, sneering, sarcastic tone
• multiple guitar solos 
  
• general awesomeness throughout
  
• tempo change, preferably double time (optional)
• no proto-hardcoreisms (i.e. mentions of strength, pride, power, hurt feelings, tears, etc.)
• unsuitable for radio play, mass consumption; offensive
  

"Set The World Afire" has relatives, other classics so Metal that if Earth's pot supply was being held hostage in the jungle by Metal-starved Colombian terrorists, I'd confidently stride into their huts with a Maxell tape held at arm's length and walk out with two Louisville Slugger-sized doobers. Note: These aren't my favorite metal songs*, and in some cases, not even said band's best. Plus, I've undoubtedly overlooked a few, so chip in. Your pot may depend on it.

******HooM! Metallest Songs Ever******

Presented by Hipsters Out Of Metal!

(alphabetical by artist)

Anthrax "Finale" (listen)

Cyclone Temple "March For Me Die For Me" (listen)

Flotsam And Jetsam "No Place For Disgrace" (listen)

Megadeth "Set The World Afire" (listen)

Metallica "Ride The Lightning" (listen)

Metallica "Disposable Heroes" (listen)

Overkill "Elimination" (listen)

Overkill "I Hate" (listen)

Slayer "War Ensemble" (listen)

Suicidal Tendencies "Waking The Dead" (listen)

Testament "Seven Days of May" (listen)

*Well, they are. 'Cause I'm so Metal. But that's not the point.