So here it is Thursday and I've been down all week with a hair-raising bout of food poisoning (fuck you, new Thai restaurant). Worse, all the barfing has put a horrible strain on my lower back, leaving me all crotchety and hobbled like some old man -- not the beautiful, delicious, young stud that I am. Damn. 

Anyway. To catch up, I've packed the entire week's gossip into an hour of frenzied scanning, and lemme tell you, it distresses me to find that Paris Hilton is being sued for beating Hayden Panettiere's mom and Ali Lohan got a penis implant to star in next season's America's Next Top Model, resulting in the death of soul legend Isaac Hayes. I may have garbled some of that. As usual, the important thing is that Metallica can't write a decent song even by accident. Listen to this hunk of turd. The lesson is that wah pedals won't solve your problems, people.

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