Hey anybody ever been to Milwaukee? What a um charming city; if it gets any livelier, a funeral might break out. That is, except for a face-melting Testament show on Friday at what may be the yuckiest rock venue ever. Hey I would’ve gone if the show was in a paper mill*, ‘cause Testament is my shit, dude, if not for the sole reason that Eric Peterson is the only guitarist who always uses sufficient distortion for fuck's sake. Which is to say, lots of distortion. And thus, the band is always awesomely heavy, even on their much-maligned, over-produced heavy rock album, The Ritual. Anyway, Peterson was on fire Friday night, and you real Metal people know what I mean when I laud his wicked chemistry with singer Chuck Billy**. Rock writers, start including them in the list of historic singer/guitarist duos this instant. Right next to Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. 

And what a night for Chuck: In magnificent shape, the smiling, hulking singer just whaled on even the most exhausting songs (“3 Days In Darkness,” “The Formation Of Damnation”***). Whaled! Next tour, they could swap out "Apocalyptic City" and "The Preacher" for "Blessed In Contempt" and "One Man's Fate" so Chuck can smash them like baby aspirin, too. You know Greg Christian would destroy those deep cuts. And for those pining for what might’ve been re: Nick Barker: Stop. ‘Cause while I’m not sure what Paul Bostaph was doing at the end of “Disciples Of The Watch,” it felt like my ear canals were being fucked by a two very angry polar bears. I’m no scientist, but surely that’s how a monster drummer should party. Further, Alex Skolnick is the best, most insane guitarist ever even with my boner all over his damn fretboard. 

Big fucking HooM! Horns go out to Milwaukee Metal people, from the friendly heshers to the aggro pit types to the dear, sweet rockers who took mercy on me and passed their joint. Good shit, too. I’ll never forget you guys.

*Wait. Is that place a paper mill? 

** Those fuckers even had me cheering for other bands: Crowd energy never dipped, but Chuck nonetheless led some audience participation during the encore, demanding screams loud enough that even their Bay Area friends in Death Angel could hear. And their friends in Exodus! And Forbidden Evil! Conspicuously absent from this list was … you know. That pussy band for fagz.

***According to band, first timesies!

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