RAPED ON RADIO

There are two equally odious sides to the dreaded Radio Remix. I don't even know if they pull this bullshit anymore, but it's not to be confused with the Radio Edit (shrinking the song); this is more like a wholesale pussification of the original track, replete with added backing vox and an alternate pussy-friendly mix. OK I get it, the record company wants to reach more pussies, sell more copies, make money, blah bling blort. But does it not shock and dismay the drivetime/workday radio pussy to purchase Whitesnake's 1987 self-titled album only to find a less pussy version of "Here I Go Again," not the pussy-ass radio remix that the pussy loves dearly? 

Though just as often it's the reverse, like oh say when a lover of one of L.A. Guns' two good songs catches its repugnantly overproduced evil twin (above) on Dee Snider's House of Hair, resulting in a spray of cherry Mountain Dew/vodka (it's called a Code Dred) down the side of my lily white fridge. Oh the horror how they ruined this classic song. Recoil from the tacked-on guitar solos! Shriek in terror at the edge-smoothing synths! Cower from the Milli Vanilli chorus singers as they dwarf Phil Lewis's original vocal. OK fine the aaahhhh that follows "You take and you take all you can" (1:44) is a nice touch. Otherwise AAAH burn it send it to hell.