MASTODON'S BILL KELLIHER WILL RAPE YOUR POCKET

I'm not at South By Southwest this year like certain big fat hotshots, but at least there's a funny movie opening Friday. Hint: It doesn't co-star a shaved horse on its hind legs nor does it take place in New England and its title doesn't rhyme with blowing. But seriously, I Love You, Man tackles an issue close to our hearts here at HooM!: unbridled platonic man love. With any luck, these themes will permeate modern society so it won't seem strange when Brent Hinds of Mastodon opens a mysterious package in his dressing room containing a set of four-legged pants with our names embroidered across the seat. And intertwined roses.

I know you just choked up a mouthful of appletini but I've done my research, jackass. Bassist Troy Sanders tells AOL's awful, semi-functional Spinner.com:

After a 2007 gig in Portugal, [the guys in Metallica had] come out of their trailers and Bill [Kelliher, Mastodon guitarist] walks right up to Lars Ulrich, and puts his penis in Lars' pocket. I'm not kidding. I was like, 'Dude you're about to get your ass kicked by a security guard.' That's what makes Bill so special. That, and his mustache.

Kelliher adds:

I have a picture of [Ulrich] kissing me on the cheek. He must have liked it.

Oh you bet he liked it. Just ask Iron Maiden's Steve Harris.