Look, boobs are terrific. And though 20% of life is thinking about knockers, jugs, and bazooms, these things don’t really fit in Metal. The distinct and timeless glory of gazungas puts them at direct odds with Metal as self-expression, because every straight man and I assume lesbian will roundly delete themselves just to catch a peek of jubbly, jiggly tits. Those things make beggars of us all. And Metal is about expressing the inner monarch, ruler, tyrant, god. I’m not trying to sound like Manowar. But when Revolver reports that Winds Of Plague keyboardist Kristen Randall snapped a pic of her funbags Suicide Girls-style and it turned up on fuckin Lamb of God's forum, I say "Curses!" My dick is thrilled, but I think that's just common sense.
This is Metal, people. The principles of whiny, emo, suburban can-flashers must be expunged from Metal like racist relatives from a barbeque. And holy shit, how ungrateful and cynical is the dickless turd who posted this little nugget? And while HooM! is an ideal source for ethically iffy stuff like this, Revolver and Metal Sucks have relationships with bands and their publicity people – so to report this is kinda um disloyal or something. Meanies! I wonder if this band can survive with every live show, interview, meet-and-greet, appearance, video shoot, sound check, meeting, panel, and conference being disrupted by cat-calls, whistles, and brazen nuzzling? “Hey! Nips! Play ‘The Impaler ‘“ and “Yeah, and jiggle your rack for me!” It was less than a month ago that WOP fired their drummer for some unspeakable misdeed. Could Randall be next?
Beep beep! Yeah-uh!