JOEY JORDISON GETS CUCKHOLDED, COKED-OUT

Hey HooM!sters, if you're having less trouble procuring hard drugs in your neighborhood, it's probably thanks to Slipknot, whose drummer is reportedly getting over a crippling drug habit. And he would've gotten away with it ... if it weren't for his meddlesome sister! Jordison speaks with Kerrang!:

I had a real moment of clarity last year. My girlfriend at the time, a girl who I thought I was gonna be with forever, cheated on me and I went on a three-week coke binge. 

My sister kept trying to call me but I didn't want to speak to anyone. The phone was off the hook. I didn't answer my door, the lights were off, and I was just fucking ragingly pissed off all the time. So she sent me a picture of my nephew. He was trying to play drums and he was wearing one of my old masks. And so I called her and she put him on the phone and he said 'I love you, uncle Joey,' and I was like 'Fuck it, I'm done. This is fucking stupid.' I realized I was basically fucking dying.

I'm impervious to that lame, amateurish guilt-you-out-of-raging-drug-abuse shit. "Think of your nephew, Joey! He needs his uncle!" Well, here's a news flash: It's precisely that kind of talk that drives people to drugs. What's gonna happen when that little boy finds some other uncle with whom to play drums? Heartbreak, savage heartbreak, that's what. Plus, drugs were invented as a direct result of duplicitous girl/boyfriends. Cuz that shit stings, dog. Here you are, the drummer of a multi-platinum metal band, and this brainless skank has the nerve to boff some walking tampon behind your back? Drugs will never do that. Sure, coke will make your heart explode. But not in the emo sense. The distinction is minor but vital.