WONDER WHAT AEROSMITH IS UP TO RIGHT NOW...

The insatiable worldwide hunger for mushy entertainment non-news ensures that dorks like myself can pinpoint Aerosmith's movements at any given time. Let's see what the Boston rockers are up to this week, shall we. 

• Wall Street Journal reports that you, yes you! can own a piece of Aerosmith publishing. Thanks to SongVest, everyday schlubs can purchase publishing rights to songs by Cher, Garth Brooks, Aerosmith and others -- though you don't get to nix use of 'your' tune in the next Kate Hudson-Dane Cook movie. So maybe 'purchase' is not the correct word. More like 'lease.' So I'ma scrape together a few grand, get a piece of "Jaded," and watch the Japanese TV commercial royalties roll in. 

• It must be awesome to live in Hawaii but heaven help you if any part of your life is devoted to big-time live music. And that's fine with me; those fuckers reside in paradise so what the shit do they need a buncha clowns harshing their mellow with all kinds of loud racket? When in Hawaii, does anyone even give a shit anything but pineapples and barfing on the beach? Aerosmith agrees, shanking their lei-sporting fans by postponing a September 2007 concert in Maui. I can't convince myself to care about the reasons for the cancellation, or the resulting trial set to kick off in May. Suffice to say rich Maui people are quite litigious. In related news, it's hilarious that guitarist Joe Perry's knee surgery forced a pull-out of the Harley Davidson 105th Anniversary festivities last month in Milwaukee; the band was set to headline a special Harley Owners Group show, open only to H.O.G. members. But Perry wasn't yet in condition to rock, and thus those rich, fake-ass banker bikers were stuck with Kid Rock and Sugarland. And I was the first to say HAW and additional HAW. 

• Never satisfied with being loved by most, irrelevant to others, Perry told AOL's Spinner.com that despite being months away from completing a single new note, the band plans to "probably release some of the music from our new record as a download so kids can plug it in and play some new tunes on the game." Dude, come onnnn. Who gives a shit about the 'kids'?