THE TARDYS MAKE EARS, EYES CRY

Metallica can't stop making asses of themselves, whether by gouging fans for their awful-sounding album, blocking access for media outlets who acknowledge the internet, or ambiguously urging concert-goers to cease filming during the band's show at London's O2 Arena. The members of the shit-ass awful ex-band are doing tons of press (even Rob!) -- and it's not just metal media, or even music media: Bullshit levels are so toweringly high that mainstream media lines up to soft-pedal ethics questions to two confessed sell-outs. And one whiny, clueless guitarist. 

It's funny because Metalli-apologists will tell you that, like them or not, Metallica is raising awareness of Metal. Which is a fallacy; no one is discussing Metal, just one former metal band. E.g. BrandWeek, who reports today that Death Magnetic's disturbing (in a bad way) cover art was designed by Turner Duckworth, a design agency employed by mega-corporations including Coca-Cola. Any musician -- let alone Metal musician -- should be ruthlessly slammed for turning to corporate, anti-Metal forces to make their shitty product reach its maximum sales potential. Good music doesn't need that kind of help. And the results of this unholy partnership? A big, brown, hairy vagina coffin. Bravo, Lars.

But wait -- there's a late entry in the race to history's awfulest cover art (above) courtesy the Donald and John Tardy, the voice and drums of Obituary. Though my ears are still weeping from the awful Obituary reunion albums, The Tardy boys unveiled their new "doesn't sound at all like Obituary" project The Tardy Brothers (too easy) and its cover image this week. Judging from this eyesore, maybe the Tardys could be enlisted to retool the much-maligned logo for NBA team Oklahoma City Thunder. Or a new line of really cool mountain bikes. Or an energy drink! Should I keep going? I'll just let myself out ...