Rolling Stone associate editor/Death Magnetic rave reviewer Brian Hiatt, not Metal

The big news today is that Metallica's sorry-ass ninth album, Death Magnetic, has leaked, setting the stage for the inevitable deluge of peanut-gallery slams and -- right on time, Rolling Stone -- clueless dorks breathlessly scrambling to the band's defense. And who am I to resist: It's a piece of shit. Turd on the lips, folks. Pointless, grasping drivel from a band dead from the waist down. Irrelevant lab-rock with the appeal of a errant nose hair. Mixed by a drunken, deaf retard. But Lars is trying to stay positive. From the Metallica nut-garglers at Revolver
The people I've played [Death Magnetic] for like it: I played it for Bob Rock. He liked it. I played it for my dad; he liked it. I played it for, you know, Jerry Cantrell and Mike [Inez, of Alice In Chains], and John from System Of A Down, and a few of the hood rats, and they all like it. They all say the same thing. They all say it sounds like Metallica. That's the biggest compliment you can get, you know. [Laughs] 
Biggest compliment you could get, Lars? Really?
  1. I'm no linguist, but a compliment might contain positive words like 'awesome' or 'brilliant'
  2. Being compared to Metallica is no longer a compliment
  3. Consider your sources, Lars, you bimbo. Most of those dunces have been sucking precisely as long as Metallica, except the all the 'hood rats' and your dad, of course
  4. Wait -- what 'hood rats'? The ones that hang out at your mansion for some late-morning tennis? You talking about Trujillo? That's just racist, Lars.
Lars continues:
[Death Magnetic] sounds really, really lively to me, like guys are sweating, playing together for a live gig. It's not put together on a computer. It's the first record that we've made since Kill 'Em All that wasn't made to a click track. I hear that. It's a little loosey-goosey in a lot of places, and I hear that and I like that.
Loosey-goosey as in shitty drumming? Couldn't agree more. 

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