We self-obsessed druggie types don't always y'know notice when bad shit happens -- and even then we usually get it all mixed up, like when Tom Brady shot Lindsay Lohan's myspace before the Grammys -- but I've been on top of the massive earthquake in Italy cuz man that shit sucks bad. Italy is awesome. And I notice that President Obama hasn't made direct mention of this aspect of the crisis, so I'll be the one to confirm to the people of Italy and the world that yes, Lacuna Coil singer Cristina Scabbia is safe and sound with us. Call off the searches; we've got her. Not a scratch on her (luscious, ravishing) body. Don't even worry, she can crash here until your shit is back together. Nah no worries at all. We have a futon, hardly been used. No actually she can't come to the phone at the moment. She's uh in the shower. Anyway, when we all agree that Italy is back in tip-top shape, we'll put her on a plane. I'll have her call you there's a good lad.
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