MASTODONSTURBATION

Those secretive MetalSucks freejacks haven't shared with me the results of their big fancy poll but Thursday #13 was unveiled as Mastodon's Blood Mountain, which bears critically-acclaimed HooM! reviewage and is the first revealed so far that's found on my ballot (that nobody fucking agrees with apparently). Blood Mountain is near the top of my list, yet quite low on the list list, so I get the feeling some of my dearest treasures aren't gonna get their day.

That feeling is something I share with the wildly butthurt and pedantic MetalSucks comment community, which includes at least fifty narrow elitists seemingly compelled to bicker their way to happiness. It's the same conversation we had in the lunch room (in fifth grade). But it's in no way as annoying as hipsters out-clevering each other at, say, The Onion A.V. Club. But as of last week, the two can commingle on The Onion's new Metal Box feature, a new monthly column which both satisfies my demands for heavy music coverage in the once-great/now-insufferable AVC and allows for preening hipster tourists to become topically conversant in current Metal and thus better-cloaked as impostors. A monthly column online how timely. With nary a longhair pictured. Gosh thanks.