PAUL GILBERT IS BETTER THAN ME

I take cheap shots at Chuck Klosterman and Jon Wiederhorn cuz they're successful, wealthy versions of me though neither match my erudite and flip international ladies man/man's man/man about town style. And, let's be honest, one of them absolutely reeks. Seriously though, the subject of my envy for real is that genius geekwad Paul Gilbert. Mr. Big isn't awesome or anything, and Racer X hasn't exactly blown any speakers in my neighborhood, but that's some snazzy guitaring throughout. And you heard it here first (seriously), Mr. Big's "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind" is perfection -- sweetly Marriott-esque, great rotating reprises, absolutely no drills or bass tapping. Anyway, it appears Gilbert is in league with the abovementioned two-headed KlosterHorn and has rendered obsolete my secret dream of making a hooky melody record (called United States, with singer Freddie Nelson) that's a heavy tribute to San Francisco power-poppers Jellyfish -- or Queen, if you're that way -- with hints of The Cult ("Hideaway"), Cheap Trick ("I'm Not Addicted"), and DLR-era John 5 ("Pulsar" not pornstar thank god). What's more, the lucky of us who've read his Guitar Player columns know the bastardface is even a better columnist than me. For six months, Buckethead's column preceded Gilbert's. Changed my life.

I guess if I ever were to interview Paul Gilbert ahem there'd be a lot of questions about those monthly lessons and United States. Like, does he wanna partner with me and Adam on his International House of Cereals idea? Or, say, why the hell did he drop this extremely intimidating record on the eve of a full blown Mr. Big reunion? Wait did that already happen? I'd look it up but y'know it's Mr. Big. Ok actually I'd then apologize for the preceding Mr. Big comment. Oh and for the inestimable number of times I stole his Chicken Heart story. Paul Gilbert call me!