Those corrupt gossip page celebrity-baiters sure make it hard on us honest, all-American satirists with their bullshit tips and ugly jealousy. Take, say, supreme fuck-up Perez Hilton, who this week discovered one way to make a grown man disregard the rules against violence upon the flamingly gay. Perez suddenly resembles a James Ellroy character but the lesson here is Will.I.Am is a national hero for asking his manager to backhand that tubby slug, and if I were to flatter myself I'd anticipate a nut-kicking from Sharon Osbourne. It's true; many times I've totally stepped over the line by implying she in fact has a penis. And more than once I've portrayed her as an Ozzy-killing drug-peddling tampon face. Wait that wasn't it. Opportunistic hag nobody schooled in the rip-off arts by father Don Arden. That sounds right. Anyway, take your best swing, Shozzy.

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