Metallica: Maybe You All Are Homosexuals

Anybody could tell you that the internet -- and its omnipresent gallery of vaginas celebrity and civilian -- is awesome; further, thanks to the interslice, you can order a pizza while not actually speaking to anyone during the critical and easily derailed ordering process. But what about the learning, people? After my usual 30-minute sit-and-stare upon arrival, the first 10 minutes of my workday have been as educationally fruitful as grades 1 - 7. Take that, Mrs. Edgette. 

I've learned that the Fox News organization is equally assholey behind and in front of the cameras; Russia's sideways oligarchy can ban the faggier end of your emotional spectrum; and that Journey's Neil Schon is very, very happy to've found a younger, more effeminate singer who just happens to have a built-in ethnic fanbase and no aspirations beyond singing Journey um classics. Oh and he can out Steve-Perry the real Steve Perry. 

That was all foreplay for Metallica news, of course. Just stop reading here. You know it's more bad news. From Billboard:

Metallica has confirmed the track list for its upcoming album, Death Magnetic, due in September via Warner Bros.

That Was Just Your Life

The End of the Line

Broken, Beat & Scarred

The Day That Never Comes

All Nightmare Long

Cyanide

The Unforgiven III

The Judas Kiss

Suicide & Redemption

My Apocalypse

I think we all see the big, obvious grossness here but let's just avoid that like it's a drunk white girl with barf in her hair and one foot in the dog dish. There's plenty else to tackle anyway: "Broken, Beat & Scarred"? Emo! "The Day That Never Comes"? Whiny! "The Judas Kiss"? What about an ass kiss? "Suicide & Redemption"? Ok is that ampersand really in the title? Why not "Suicide N' Redemption"? And I don't see a "f/Lionel Richie" next to track five.