Ulrich To Maiden: 'No Hard Feelings, Right? Guys? Hello?'

Who could forget Metallica's not-very-loving tribute to Iron Maiden and their classic romp "Run To The Hills" tucked away in the closing seconds of 1987's Garage Days Re-revisited EP? Probably no one, since Bizarro Metallica has been playing the squawking, tuneless spoof live on their recent depressing tours. In 2008, it's no secret that Lars Ulrich & Co. are total vaginas, and in 1987, the signs were there:

Covers albums: Lame

The equivalent of playing dress-up, the Garage Days EP saw Metallica taking on the Herculean task of improving songs by unforgettable metal giants Budgie, Holocaust, and Diamond Head. I imagine that when recording wrapped on day 5, Lars and Kirk then took to the courts, crushing a pair of sight-impaired seventh graders in doubles tennis. 

Commentary: Specious At Best, Paranoid And Petty At Worst

Rulers of Metal in America, cir. 1987 (in ranking order): Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, Anthrax, Testament. So we can conclude that Metallica was unintimidated by Maiden, whose brightly melodic opera-metal was uprooted stateside by the bleak violence of Bay Area Thrash. So why diss Maiden, if not in the spirit of competition? Is the "Run To The Hills" jab motivated by Ulrich's belief that Budgie, Holocaust, and Diamond Head are the real stars of the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal? 

Backtracking in 2008: Pussy-Ass Lars 

Ulrich loves money and everything, so it makes bitter, ironic sense that he's now queueing to get in Maiden's shot, since Maiden's critical and commercial renaissance is at a staggering peak and Cashtallica currently is in year 18 of sucking donkey dick. From Blabbermouth:

World-exclusive performances from Metallica, Machine Head, Trivium, Avenged Sevenfold, Dream Theater and Devildriver are among the tracks featured on Kerrang! magazine's Maiden Heaven, which features bands covering tracks from Iron Maiden's legendary career. The CD will be given away free with Kerrang! issue 1219, on sale July 16.

I heroically listened to clips, but it was hard to hear over the laughter: The track-listing reads like an All-Star roster of suckass has-beens and never-will-bes. Sadly, the act who has the artillery and disposition to freshly interpret Maiden -- Coheed And Cambria -- falls flat with a whiny, paper thin rendition of "The Trooper."