Dudes are supposed to idolize Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, but I wanna kick him in his shriveled nuts. He's entering his 13th decade, yet is still treating Earth's top-shelf poon supply as his private World Bank. Those vag reserves are meant to be deployed to regions plagued by DDS (Dry Dick Syndrome), not to prop up an aging arch-bushman who can't let go. Like the desperately omnipresent Jon Bon Jovi, Hef's had more than his share and needs to take his wrinkled ass out of my eyeline. Look at the above photo. Really look at it. What kind of world do we live in when so many dicks are going unmoistened and 19-year old twins are lining up to bang that Viagra-jockey? 

But there is something worse than old dudes clinging to long-gone virility like John McCain to coherence: young dudes like Black Tide. Yeah, the lil' tykes can play instruments at some level. But the record sucks, their deal is based on novelty, and their air of entitlement is hilarious. Black Tide must come up with some killer material to overcome the stigma of their pure commerce Metal 101 status, but instead opt to go down the Avenged Sevenfold path, in which bands command appreciation and respect by being petulant and dickish -- even to the sweeties at MetalSucks. I particularly love to watch BT stomp their feet at poor reviews and justifiably skeptical press coverage. And way to do a Metallica cover on your debut record -- and poorly. That's like the time I picked up my date shirtless and with a condom seductively tucked into my belt. She knew what I was after.

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