I'm not making this shit up, people. Not only does the above hipster boast a discography pocked with cassette-only releases (gag me) and unlistenable lo-fi screech-fests, but did you know he's wrecked an Aesop Rock song AND authored an installment of the 33 1/3 series examining Black Sabbath's Master Of Reality? I know! You're outraged. Fuckin' "After Forever" is on that album. Best song ever. You don't FUCK with that.
People, I implore you: It's an election year and while Obama and McCain spar on health care, Iraq, and the economy, it's every Metal person's duty to demand from our leaders decisive action to halt this hipsterism epidemic. We need a swift, brutal counterattack backed by our federal government's shock troops. Marines, the whole nine.
- Outlaw the beard; it's the post-millennial mullet, a shlong cranked around the head's equator to rest on the chin. The face-mullet. Business in the front, party on the bottom. Pretty soon there'll be rat tails dangling from those asinine things. Yes, you're grown-up now; I'll call the media.
- Draconian first-offense mandatory minimum terms for those who provide Metal shirts to hipsters; I'm talking chain gang with the black-and-white stripes, y'all. Gitmo.
- Midnight raids on known hipster safe houses; instruct task forces to profile by thick, black-rimmed glasses, Weezer CDs, complicated belts
Metal people, your vote counts! Neilstein/Rosenberg '12!